Bavarian Annual Political Awards - THE RESULTS !!!

A while ago I decided that like every other crap website, the Bavarian Orange Blog should have its own awards doofer. And lo it came to pass that I requested nominations from the public so that you, dear readers, could have a say in deciding who are the worst Ulster politicians is a series of different categories. I was pleasantly surprised by the level of support - we actually had four(!!!!!!!) responses!!!
I'd like to thank all of the respondents and since his nominations were the most comprehensive, JPG's suggestions will form the basis of the awards. Winners can feel free to put a "Golden Sammy" picture on their websites because they have certainly deserved their honours. But enough of this crap, let's get on with the show. This year's ceremony was held at the Craigavon Civic Centre and the presenters were Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox. You'll be glad to hear that it was a vomit flecked rout. It went something like this:

Sam: Woooo hooo! Y'allright? Yeah!
Mick: Good evening and welcome to this year's Bavarian Annual Political Awards, otherwise known as the BAP awards. An speaking of baps, here's my co host tonight, Sam Fox!!!!!
Sam: Woo hoo!
Mick: OK, lets get on with the show, here's the winners.
Sam: Woo hoo!

.........etc etc etc etc..............

Vapid Alliance arsehole of the year: David Ford
Who else? A closely run thing as David nearly put himself out of the running by letting rapists out of jail with instructions to strike again - not so vapid, but he's still an arsehole. Congratulations, David!

Ineffectual SDLP knob of the year: Margaret Ritchie
Poor old Maggie. It seems a shame to intrude on private grief in this way, but she was particularly ineffectual. It's a toss between who was worst - her or Tom Elliott.
(By the way, I didn't mean "toss" in a rude way)

Irrelevant UUP turd of the year: Tom Elliot

Yes indeed, this is the man who outdid Sir Reg's irrelevant performance for what must now be the second most irrelevant party in the Province after The Workers' Party.

Swivel-eyed Shinner fundamentalist of the year: Gerry Adams
When confronted with allegations that his brother was a paedo, incest rapist, Gerry's first comment was "the Brits made him do it" - no wonder the Queen's favourite navvy employee won the prize!

God-bothering DUP hypocrite of the year: Wee Jeffrey
If you are in doubt about, then just read this.

Fat, baldy, annoying TUV gobshite of the year: Big Jim Allister
No explanation necessary, I trust. Well done Jim!

Twat of the year: David Vance

Unfortunately I had to differ from JPG on this one. He nominated Sir Sammy Wilson and there is no frigging way this blog would insult the great man. I think this video will prove I am in the right. I haven't seen it myself, but I don't need to in order to recognize Sammy Wilson's towering statemanship.

As for the winner in this category, there can be no doubt that the word "Vance" has become a universal term of abuse in Northern Ireland. For example the other week I heard a woman chastise her husband with the words "Christ, you are such a Vance" after he crashed the car in Lurgan's High Street. What's more, children in playgrounds no longer tease their friends with insults such as "homo" and "gyppo" - yes, you have guessed it, they use the term "Vance-head" when expressing disapproval of each other.

Silly bint of the year: Iris Robinson

Cruel and unnecessary as it may seem, the lady who spurned lithium tablets in favour of shopping trips to London as a means of recovering from having a shit husband is the only obvious choice for this category. Ulster's equivalent to The Krankies.

Sexy MLA/MP of the year (F): Michelle O'Neil
Michelle my belle. Aaaah. Ulster's answer to Mary Lou McDonald. She has all the feminine beauty of the wee blonde lass out of Abba combined with the pure dirtyness of Madonna. There's an (unsubstantiated and probably untrue) rumour going around Stormont that she is an avid fan of "golden showers" and as unlikely as this may sound, certain Sinn Fein members are known to cheerily sing "The slash our Michelle wore" whenever she passes by. I doubt it myself, but it's a pleasant thought.

Sexy MLA/MP of the year (M): Sir Sammy Wilson, Lord of all he surveys 
The Barry White of Stormont. For Ulster ladies, he is the first, last and everything.

Worst MLA of the year: Gregory Campbell

I am not so sure about this one, but I'll go with the only and therefore majority vote. Never known to willingly smile, Greg has put a few noses out of joint recently by his reluctance to laugh at any of Nelson McCausland's dirty jokes. Although he did once smirk when Peter Robinson once mentioned the word "cafe".

Worst MP of the year: Pat Doherty

Pat was born in Glasgow which makes him a plastic paddy who has no business poking his nose into our affairs. It is the opinion of this blog that he should put his tartan skirt back on, fuck off home and whine about the English stealing his oil, or whatever it is they do over there.

Bigot of the year (RC): Niall O Donnghaile Niall recently tried to organise a wee tribute to bus drivers which was all well and good until it was remembered that his da stole and burt out a bus. The driver was murdered a few days later. Strange. Stranger still was his reluctance to give a badge to a schoolkid. He's clearly a bitter bigoted shite, a tool and a worthy winner of this award.

Bigot of the year (P): Tom 'scum' Elliot
Tom's second award of the evening, well done Tom!

Watch this wee video of excruciating awfulness and you'll get the idea.

Lifetime lack achievement award (RC): Gerry Adams

In JPG's words, Gerry deserves his second award because: "we are no nearer a United Ireland after all his efforts over 40 years". I have nothing to add to that.

Lifetime lack achievement award (P): Big Ian

Let's hear from JPG again: "After 50 years of shouting and threatening biblical plagues on the province we are exactly in the same position".

And while we are at it, let's have another look at this wee video to remind ourselves of what a useless, obnoxious, gobshite the old bollocks he really is.

Job because of Daddy: Ian Jnr

Who in their right mind would employ thon except a gobshite father who is unconcerned about the niceties of avoiding accusations of nepotism?

Recession Super Savers (thanks anonymous):

A special award should be given to the IRA and Peter Robinson for their penny saving skills during this harsh economic climate and we can only hope Peter continues to show his Jesus like skill at turning 5 pounds into a fortune and a few more IRA bank jobs is a win win as the bank gets its money back in insurance and then we have millions extra floating around to be pumped back into the economy. If only the IMF were so gifted!

....and finally.....

Blog of the year: The Bavarian Orange Order

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Next year we'll run it again but I doubt if the results will alter much. Thanks again to those of you who provided nominations and congratulations to the winners!