It's a well known factoid that languages change over time and like all other "changes" (apart from developments in Diesel engines), this is a very bad thing. Old words have been forgotten and some have lost their original meaning - it's all very distressing and unnecessary and if you call that "progress", then I`d call you a Lundy fool.
So today, I am starting a campaign to get old words back into use and to restore original meanings to those nouns, verbs and adjectives which have had their useage altered over the years. Below is a list of words which will form the basis of my new "Traditional Dictionary", if you can think of others please leave a comment. Together we will bring about a rejuvenating rebirth of the English language!
Aids: This used to be a wonderful word meaning "help", as in "marital aids". Now it is a disease which afflicts immoral people as well as many of the world's darker-skinned unfortunates.
Bean flicker: Currently this term is used as a badge of pride by certain types of ladies who get hot flushes every time they see Sandi Toksvig on the TV. Its original and real meaning comes from the ancient County Antrim game of "Bean Flicking" in which the "Bean Flicker" has to put a baked bean on to a teaspoon, flick it up into the air and then catch it in his Y-fronts.
Cock fighting: This is now known as an illegal and cruel "sport" in which two male chickens ("cocks") are forced to fight to the death. However, a "cock fight" was originally (and remains) a secret initiation rite of the Orange Order. I am not allowed to say any more about this, but I think I can safely mention that in 324 bouts, I am still undefeated.
Come Dancing: WARNING - THIS IS A VERY DIRTY PHRASE!!! These days, it is of course the title of a charming, if boring, Saturday evening, family TV show. BUT in the 1980's when the Rock n' Roll craze hit first Ulster, depraved young Donaghadee people would hold "come dancing" parties which involved listening to the Devil's music and engaging in a lot of sexual activity. Following this, they would dance through trails of bodily emissions (hence "come dancing"). I must emphasise that I only attended one of these affairs by accident and left as soon as I discovered what was involved. Honest.
Diddies: This word means "breasts" and has nothing at all to do with Ken Dodd.
Dolly Bird: A good old fashioned word which describes slightly slutty, yet good-looking women about town. Sadly fallen into abeyance, I hope this word makes a comeback sometime soon!
Fanny: This lovely Christian name for females is sadly now more commonly used as a synonym for "bliff". Now that the campaign is underway, I hereby formally urge all my supporters to name all their female offspring "Fanny" in order to bring this name back into popularity once more!!!
Fudge Packer: In the olden days, fudge packers used to work in sweetie factories. They were responsible for putting the chocolate bars and fudges into boxes prior to transportation to the shops, it was a well respected profession and folk were only too happy to be referred to as a "fudge packer" by friends and colleagues. Now, and most regrettably, it has become a term of endearment amongst those adept in the art of bumming.
Fingered: This means blaming someone for something and it has nothing to do with sheep. Except in Rathfriland.
Gay: Everyone knows that this word now means "poof" and that it used to mean "homo". No further explanation needed, I hope.
Gaylord: Once a wonderful old name for the sons of gentlemen, it was recently co-opted by homosexual members of the aristocracy.
Glands: Formerly a generic term for tits and bollocks, "glands" are now something which fat people blame for their greedy ways.
Golliwog: These lovely John Hume-themed effigies fell victim to the politically correct squad when Margaret Thatcher talked about them on "The One Show" and laughed at how she used to burn them on the 12th. They must make a comeback!
Jugs: See "diddies"
Love: Spoken with a cheeky smile and delivered simultaneously with a firm smack on a pretty young secretary's buttocks, this used to be a jovial term of endearment for female colleagues until ugly feminazis objected. "Pet", "darling" and "sugar tits" are equally good. Let's get back to basics with this one, give it a go tomorrow and let me know how it went!
Manhole: A thing in the ground, NOT a top secret Ards buggery club whose name and location are known only to its members.
Sooty: For decades, black people loved nothing more than to be called "sooty" and then along came that horrible "Sooty and Sweep" show. Thus it was no wonder that the coloureds didn't want to be compared to a glove puppet and as a result, the word was dropped as a good-natured greeting.
Shit Stabbers: Currently a jocular label for male dancers, male nurses and fans of Morrissey. But back in the day, the "Shit Stabbers" were a secret and deadly band of Magherafelt Ninjas. They got this name because they used to smear their swords and daggers with some of the town's abundant dog shite before going into battle. Thus, if an enemy wasn't killed outright by a Shit Stabber's blow, he was guaranteed to die from dog shit-induced septicaemia a few days later.
Turd Burglar: Yet another ancient word adopted and degraded by the homosexual community. In the 1800's the notorious "Body Snatchers" would steal fresh corpses from their graves and then sell them to doctors who would then do things to them. During this period, a lesser known group known as the "Turd Burglars" would lurk in London's sewers, collect the finest specimens of shite that they could find and then sell them to microbiologists.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Please start using the above words in your every day speech and in the correct context. If enough of us make the effort, the English language will improve immeasurably!
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