Lurgan News

Marriage wrecker!

"She kissed a lad last night"

The Ulster Unionist Party was thrown into chaos last night when it emerged that Tom Elliott was the reason behind Russell Brand's recent split from Katy Perry. The adulterous couple were holed up in a luxury penthouse suite at the Ashburn Hotel until this morning when they announced that they would host a lunchtime press conference in the spacious, yet homely lobby. Nibbling nervously at the delicious trays of canapes, the pair announced that they were "very much in love" and "looking forward to getting to know each other better" following a whirlwind romance which began when the two met by chance whilst doing some Christmas shopping at a car boot sale in Dungannon. They added that they were particularly looking forward to spending a few more weeks at the Ashburn and would probably stay in their bed for a while in order to make a symbolic statement in favour of world peace, much like John and Yoko did. Mr. Elliott, however, was adamant that he was not a hallion like Lennon and would therefore be shaving every day.

The Upper Bann UUP constituency office refused to comment on Mr. Elliott's future, but they did say that they were concerned about Ms. Perry's boast that she had once kissed a girl and liked it. Apparently internet investigations are underway. 

Pop a cap in yo ass

Arlene and Snoop Dogg

Stars from the world of hip-hop gathered at Craigavon's civic centre today to take part in a five day, DUP-sponsored conference entitled "The Ghetto and the Union".

The plenary speaker was Arlene Foster who spoke of the importance of "getting working class Protestants interested in machine guns and drugs.....er.....the creative process and the job market". Snoop Dogg took up this theme and forcefully explained that Protestant youth's disengagement from the political process was a direct consequence of the plebianisation of society caused by stringent fiscal and monetary policies which have been in place since the mid 1980's throughout the western world. Sammy Wilson nodded in agreement and said that he had nothing to add. He was later spotted leafing through a dictionary.

In the afternoon, a "Gospel Gangsta Rap Workshop" was held in which participants had the chance to learn much from Willie McCrea and Ice-T. Tomorrow, delegates will hold a "crack pipe" breakout session and there will be discussions on Schloer, body popping and Iris Robinson.

New Computer Games

Lurgan is the inspiration for a new computer game released this week. "Angry Birds Lurgan" follows the traditional pattern of other games from this franchise but whereas previous incarnations have involved assaulting pigs of the porcine kind, Angry Birds Lurgan is all about pelting members of the PSNI. And trains.

The other new game this week is a modern twist of an old idea, but we like it very much indeed!!

And Finally........Racists!