Lurgan Pride

I have something to say.

I AM SICK OF LIVING IN THE CLOSET,

I AM TIRED OF LIVING A LIE

SO I'LL SCREAM IT TO THE WORLD:

I AM A PROUD LURGAN MAN!!!!!

There, I've said it! That's a weight off my mind, I can tell you! And if you have a problem with that, I'll take
you to the European Court of Human Rights and get you sent to Belgium for 5 years as punishment for hurting my feelings, you bastards. Nobody says anything about an out Lurgan man and gets away with it, not anymore! Isn't that what equality legislation is all about, after all?

But you know, there are literally thousands of poor souls who aren't as brave as me. They live in fear of being found out. They disguise their accents, try not to dress in shell suits and shun Buckfast at every opportunity. And why? Because understandably they do not want to be victims of Lurgophobia, they don't want to suffer from discrimination in the work place, they don't want to have people pointing at them in the streets, they don't want to be the butt of immature jokes and they most certainly do not want to be another statistic in the PSNI's "Lurgan Bashing" figures.

Lurgophobia is defined on the internet as "an irrational hatred or fear of lovely Lurgan people, caused by jealousy of their good looks and sexual prowess" and it has manifested itself in many disgraceful ways over the years. It was, of course, invented by evil Portadown people who consider themselves to be "higher" than Lurgan residents. Well, the results of these Portadown-inspired smears have had tragic and painful consequences:

• Lurgan people are more likely to be unemployed due to Lurgophobic discrimination
• Lurganites are more likely to be overeat because of depression caused by Lurgophobia
• Lurgan folk drink more than other people in order to overcome the pain caused by Lurgophobia
• A third of Lurgan children cannot read or count because they are told that they are stupid and lazy by bigoted teachers.
• Lurgan youths are wrongly blamed for a whole host of crimes which are actually carried out by day trippers from Portadown. For example stoning trains.
• Lurgan people are officially discouraged from getting married which is why so many Lurgan children are born out of wedlock.

Disgraceful isn't it? Especially when you bear in mind that 10% of people in Northern Ireland are either completely Lurganite, bi-Lurganite, trans-Lurganite or latently Lurganite! Well, I say "enough is enough"! Us Lurgan people have lived under the cloud of intolerance for much too long so I am urging all fellow Lurganians to stand up, admit it to themselves and to declare to the world what they really are!

Say it loud, I'm Lurgan and proud, so I am!
Yes indeed, the time has come for us Lurganites to look the world in the face and say "fuck away aff, I'm from Lurgan, do ye want to make something of it?"

We will not tolerate having to sit at the back of the bus anymore. We will not endure being the victims of discrimination or segregation anymore. We have to get up off our fat holes and do something about it!

And this is why I am pleased to announce the world's first ever "Lurgan Pride" day. Yes, on February 14th, I urge all the inhabitants of Lurgan and all the members of the Lurgan diaspora throughout the world to march through their town centres and demand equality. These events will have wonderful party atmospheres in the best Lurgan tradition - there will be fountains of Buckfast and loads of chips. It will be a day of peace and harmony for all Lurgan people throughout the world and a day when we can all come together in love, peace, respect and joy. I can't wait.

I will keep you updated on this hot topic as things develop, but I hope that Lurgan Pride parades will be supported by local businesses and non-Lurganite supporters. Otherwise a few windies might get smashed. As you can see below, we have a lovely wee flag for participants and supporters to wave at parades. See you on St. Valentine's day! Be there or be a ganch!

The Official Lurgan Pride Flag.