Luther for President of the USA!

And why not? If an Indonesian-born Muslim with a forged birth certificate can be president, then what's to stop a Lurgan man from becoming the leader of the free world? Sadly, it looks like Obama is going to get the Dummycrat nomination so it looks like I'll have to stand for the Republican candidature. Not a prospect I look forward to, but after I become President I'll change this offending name to "The Conservative and Unionist Party".
And so, let's turn to policies. What do I have in mind for the world's wealthiest democracy? Here's a taster:

Rejoin the civilized family of nations
I vow to repeal all of that "independence" crap and to make the USA become part of the UK again. Would anyone really miss Scotland after that? In addition, I would start paying London taxes, including backpayments for the period from 1780 until now.

Sport
I promise to ban baseball and American Football because they are crap.

Names
The capital city will be renamed "Lurgan D.C"

Language 1
The USA will adopt proper English language spelling conventions.

Language 2
Deviation from correct pronunciation will be punished by death. Here are some examples of how not and how to pronounce correctly:
don't say                       do say
toe-may-toe                   toe-mah-toe
bay-sil                            bah-sil
oreg-ah-no                     or-eg-ah-no
Nor-thern Eye-er-land    Norn Iron

Foreign policy
Instead of bombing third world shitholes which are no threat to the USA, I intend to flatted a whole series of countries which are really asking for it. My guiding philosophy will be "what's the point of having nukes if you don't intend using them?"

Stimulate the ecomony
I have some great ideas to get the country's finances back in shape, for example:
Legalise gay marriage: Thousands of gay marriages a year will lead to thousands of gay divorces in the years to come, thus giving a well deserved shot in the arm to law firms.
Invade places and steal their oil: self explanatory, really.
Lose no opportunity to piss France off: A tad populist and nothing to do with the economy, I agree. But it makes sense.

Tax 

This is my most innovative vote-winner because I intend to allow people to choose how much tax they pay. But, with rights like this come responsibilities as you will see. The voluntary tax brackets will be as follows:
Empire Builder: The lowest tax band. You will pay 10% income tax (or $5K per year, whichever is more) and return you will be given a job as a front line soldier on minimum wage. On retirement, you will receive no pension and will not be eligible for a pension. Better hope that the gooks get ye on your last tour of duty! Oh, and you will be sterilized.
Mitt Romney Super-saver: You will pay 20% in income tax (or $10K per year, whichever is more), be eligible for the draft in times of national emergency and might even be liable to participate in medical experiments. On the bright side, your pension will allow you to exist on a starvation diet and if you get sick, you will receive treatment as long as it's not a chronic or terminal illness.
Patriot plus: You will pay 40% in tax (or $20K per year, whichever is more) and receive a great pension and full medicare. In addition, you will never have to fight for your country or worry about criminals because your the police will be aware of your existence. So will the fire brigade who will do their best by you if any emergency touches your genteel life.
Super Liberty: For 60% of your cash (or $30K per year, whichever is more) you get all of the advantages of the Patriot plus scheme AND your children will get a free education.

Well, I think that this is a superb set of policies which should win me the Republican nomination easily. I look forward to receiving your vote and even more so, I look forward to holding the nuke-button brief case in my hands. Start praying, Donaghcloney......