Stephen Nolan's Banbridge Diary

Fatso

"....well that's all we have time for today, tune into the Nolan Show tomorrow with me, Stephen Nolan, and I'll tell you what to think about sausage rolls. Great craic.
Ach! and would ye look at what the cat's dragged in, if it isn't me old mate Gerry Anderson! What about ye, Gerry?


Away and fuck ye fat, annoying shite.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Great craic Gerry! Never short of a witty riposte! Well, see you tomorrow ye boy ye!


Not if I can help it Nolan, now fuck off and leave me in peace....."

I love my radio show and I love the fact that the BBC lets me broadcast it from my house in Banbridge. But ye know, it's more than just a radio show, it's a public service. Northern Ireland is such a sick place, most of the people are so filled with the wrong ideas about life, politics, love and food that it needs someone like me to put them right. And I do. Every day. Now if that isn't public service, then I don't know what is.

When I'm not broadcasting you'll usually find me walking the streets of Banbridge offering people my autograph and telling them my views on the great issues of the day. It's something I have to do because how on earth could I do my job if I didn't keep in touch with the little people? It would be impossible.

On Friday's I organise a pub quiz in Sheppards Bar in Banbridge. I am the quiz master of course and I ask questions such as "should we kick Greece out of Europe?" and "should Peter Robinson go to Mass every Sunday for a year to make up for his past bigotryism?". The various teams give their answers and then I tell them why they are wrong. At length. It's a small contribution but it helps. I offer free drinks at these evenings, but I like to think that the folk would come anyway. But bonds are formed and that's the most important thing.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about how to lose weight and talking about it to the little people I meet on the streets of Banbridge. Sometimes they just look at me as if they just don't understand me, but that's to be expected because none of them went to Inst. like I did. Its a constant battle to speak to them on their own level, they are pitiable yet likeable in a standoffish kind of way but I'll keep plugging away anyway because I'm a professional. One day I'll make a breakthrough. I know it. I just have to find out the best way of descending to their level. If you have any ideas, just let me know!

On the subject of diets, the new one seems to be working! I've lost three ounces this month already which is more than I lost last year on the disastrous "beer and pie" and "supersize me" diets. Amazing! You know, I stumbled upon the latest one completely by accident, I discovered that if I eat a bit less and do a wee bit of exercise, I lose weight!!!! Freaky, isn't it? But I won't talk about it on my radio show, the last thing people want to hear is some fat slob of a DJ whining about his waistline. That would never do. For better of for worse, I'm just too professional to risk annoying people, that's probably my greatest failing.

People say a lot of things about me, but I don't care. They say I'm too good for Northern Ireland and that I should go and make my millions in America. They even say that I should form a new political party and become First Minister or even Prime Minister. But they never say that I'm sad and lonely. That's because I'm not sad and lonely with no friends. And I'm not an insecure parochial with an inferiority complex who compensates by being loud and opinionated. No, I'm not sad and lonely.

I'm not lonely. I don't need friends.

I'm not lonely.

Really, I'm not.

Honest.