The Bavarian Orange Order

Lurgan Pride

2012-01-27T18:51:00.001+01:00

I have something to say.

I AM SICK OF LIVING IN THE CLOSET,

I AM TIRED OF LIVING A LIE

SO I'LL SCREAM IT TO THE WORLD:

I AM A PROUD LURGAN MAN!!!!!

There, I've said it! That's a weight off my mind, I can tell you! And if you have a problem with that, I'll take
you to the European Court of Human Rights and get you sent to Belgium for 5 years as punishment for hurting my feelings, you bastards. Nobody says anything about an out Lurgan man and gets away with it, not anymore! Isn't that what equality legislation is all about, after all?

But you know, there are literally thousands of poor souls who aren't as brave as me. They live in fear of being found out. They disguise their accents, try not to dress in shell suits and shun Buckfast at every opportunity. And why? Because understandably they do not want to be victims of Lurgophobia, they don't want to suffer from discrimination in the work place, they don't want to have people pointing at them in the streets, they don't want to be the butt of immature jokes and they most certainly do not want to be another statistic in the PSNI's "Lurgan Bashing" figures.

Lurgophobia is defined on the internet as "an irrational hatred or fear of lovely Lurgan people, caused by jealousy of their good looks and sexual prowess" and it has manifested itself in many disgraceful ways over the years. It was, of course, invented by evil Portadown people who consider themselves to be "higher" than Lurgan residents. Well, the results of these Portadown-inspired smears have had tragic and painful consequences:

Lurgan people are more likely to be unemployed due to Lurgophobic discrimination
Lurganites are more likely to be overeat because of depression caused by Lurgophobia
Lurgan folk drink more than other people in order to overcome the pain caused by Lurgophobia
A third of Lurgan children cannot read or count because they are told that they are stupid and lazy by bigoted teachers.
Lurgan youths are wrongly blamed for a whole host of crimes which are actually carried out by day trippers from Portadown. For example stoning trains.
Lurgan people are officially discouraged from getting married which is why so many Lurgan children are born out of wedlock.

Disgraceful isn't it? Especially when you bear in mind that 10% of people in Northern Ireland are either completely Lurganite, bi-Lurganite, trans-Lurganite or latently Lurganite! Well, I say "enough is enough"! Us Lurgan people have lived under the cloud of intolerance for much too long so I am urging all fellow Lurganians to stand up, admit it to themselves and to declare to the world what they really are!

Say it loud, I'm Lurgan and proud, so I am!
Yes indeed, the time has come for us Lurganites to look the world in the face and say "fuck away aff, I'm from Lurgan, do ye want to make something of it?"

We will not tolerate having to sit at the back of the bus anymore. We will not endure being the victims of discrimination or segregation anymore. We have to get up off our fat holes and do something about it!

And this is why I am pleased to announce the world's first ever "Lurgan Pride" day. Yes, on February 14th, I urge all the inhabitants of Lurgan and all the members of the Lurgan diaspora throughout the world to march through their town centres and demand equality. These events will have wonderful party atmospheres in the best Lurgan tradition - there will be fountains of Buckfast and loads of chips. It will be a day of peace and harmony for all Lurgan people throughout the world and a day when we can all come together in love, peace, respect and joy. I can't wait.

I will keep you updated on this hot topic as things develop, but I hope that Lurgan Pride parades will be supported by local businesses and non-Lurganite supporters. Otherwise a few windies might get smashed. As you can see below, we have a lovely wee flag for participants and supporters to wave at parades. See you on St. Valentine's day! Be there or be a ganch!

The Official Lurgan Pride Flag.

Luther for President of the USA!

2012-01-25T18:44:00.004+01:00

And why not? If an Indonesian-born Muslim with a forged birth certificate can be president, then what's to stop a Lurgan man from becoming the leader of the free world? Sadly, it looks like Obama is going to get the Dummycrat nomination so it looks like I'll have to stand for the Republican candidature. Not a prospect I look forward to, but after I become President I'll change this offending name to "The Conservative and Unionist Party".
And so, let's turn to policies. What do I have in mind for the world's wealthiest democracy? Here's a taster:

Rejoin the civilized family of nations
I vow to repeal all of that "independence" crap and to make the USA become part of the UK again. Would anyone really miss Scotland after that? In addition, I would start paying London taxes, including backpayments for the period from 1780 until now.

Sport
I promise to ban baseball and American Football because they are crap.

Names
The capital city will be renamed "Lurgan D.C"

Language 1
The USA will adopt proper English language spelling conventions.

Language 2
Deviation from correct pronunciation will be punished by death. Here are some examples of how not and how to pronounce correctly:
don't say do say
toe-may-toe toe-mah-toe
bay-sil bah-sil
oreg-ah-no or-eg-ah-no
Nor-thern Eye-er-land Norn Iron

Foreign policy
Instead of bombing third world shitholes which are no threat to the USA, I intend to flatted a whole series of countries which are really asking for it. My guiding philosophy will be "what's the point of having nukes if you don't intend using them?"

Stimulate the ecomony
I have some great ideas to get the country's finances back in shape, for example:
Legalise gay marriage: Thousands of gay marriages a year will lead to thousands of gay divorces in the years to come, thus giving a well deserved shot in the arm to law firms.
Invade places and steal their oil: self explanatory, really.
Lose no opportunity to piss France off: A tad populist and nothing to do with the economy, I agree. But it makes sense.

Tax

This is my most innovative vote-winner because I intend to allow people to choose how much tax they pay. But, with rights like this come responsibilities as you will see. The voluntary tax brackets will be as follows:
Empire Builder: The lowest tax band. You will pay 10% income tax (or $5K per year, whichever is more) and return you will be given a job as a front line soldier on minimum wage. On retirement, you will receive no pension and will not be eligible for a pension. Better hope that the gooks get ye on your last tour of duty! Oh, and you will be sterilized.
Mitt Romney Super-saver: You will pay 20% in income tax (or $10K per year, whichever is more), be eligible for the draft in times of national emergency and might even be liable to participate in medical experiments. On the bright side, your pension will allow you to exist on a starvation diet and if you get sick, you will receive treatment as long as it's not a chronic or terminal illness.
Patriot plus: You will pay 40% in tax (or $20K per year, whichever is more) and receive a great pension and full medicare. In addition, you will never have to fight for your country or worry about criminals because your the police will be aware of your existence. So will the fire brigade who will do their best by you if any emergency touches your genteel life.
Super Liberty: For 60% of your cash (or $30K per year, whichever is more) you get all of the advantages of the Patriot plus scheme AND your children will get a free education.

Well, I think that this is a superb set of policies which should win me the Republican nomination easily. I look forward to receiving your vote and even more so, I look forward to holding the nuke-button brief case in my hands. Start praying, Donaghcloney......

Enda Kenny discovers his inner Churchill

2012-01-20T19:47:00.000+01:00

Sign the petition NOW !

2012-01-18T20:52:00.000+01:00

There is a lot of guff talked about "cross-community projects" in Northern Ireland, but tonight I can lay one before you which can only be described as the "real deal". For it has come to pass that Professor Billy McWilliams (Banbridge man) and myself (Lurgan man) have joined forces to promote a cause which is vital to the future of Northern Ireland and the rest of the UK:

The government of the UK should be moved to Craigavon.

* LET'S DO THIS!

Yes, that's right. And you know in your heart that this is the only way forward for our island race. As soon as you read those words you inhaled sharply, let your jaw drop and nodded in hearty agreement. Well, now that you have reached a new level of conciousness there is something you must do.

Sign the petition. Go to the link below and sign it. You know it's the right thing to do.

http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/craigavon

Think of all the advantages this mighty hub has over thon London:

The dry ski slope at Silverwood
Two top-class football teams
Rushmere shopping centre
A lively cultural milieu
A healthy quota of roundabouts
Civilized wine-drinking population

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. Or have you? Did you consider the amazing innovations that this move would initiate:

The House of Lords would deliberate every day in Drumgor Community Centre
The House of Commons would sit in Lismore Comprehensive's assembly hall
Her Majesty's official residence would be the Lurgan British Legion
The changing of the guard would take place at Carn Industrial Estate
Future Royal weddings would be held at the Free Presbyterian Church on Lurgan's Waringstown Road
In the absence of their London clubs, top civil servants would have to join Lurgan's Mechanics' Institute and Clan na Gael

Need I say more? I didn't think so.

So what are you waiting for? Sign the petition now and make it happen. *LET'S DO THIS!

http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/craigavon

*Suggested, meaningless, Obabaesque slogan for the campaign.

EXCLUSIVE! Leaked Stormont Powerpoint Presentation!

2012-01-17T21:38:00.000+01:00

It's rare that a real and meaningful (?) scoop comes along for a quality blog such as this but I think you will thank me for placing the following in the public domain. As you may know already, Sammy Wilson is the resident Stormont Entertainments Officer (click here for more). Well, thanks to our loyal Stormont sources (Don't worry, Sir Reg, we won't tell!) we have got hold of a recent powerpoint presentation which Sammy gave to all MLAs describing the fun events he had organised for them in 2011. Here are the slides, I hope you are as jealous and disgusted as I am.

Col. Gadaffi visits the DUP conference

2012-01-15T20:01:00.000+01:00

Today I go with Elim Church Tent people to Gransha for DUP conference. We stand outside and shout "taig, rebel, shit stabbers" at DUP. We strike blow for Ulster! I shoot AK-47 in the air. My Pastor smile and say I am "quer man". Can you believe that? I punch him in face very hard, nobody say I am homosexual!!!!

Later I develop new slogan for shouting at DUP, it go like this:

"What do we want?
An Islamic military dictatorship headed by none other than Colonel Gadaffi, formerly of Tripoli and now a much respected resident of Banbridge!
When do we want it?
Now, by the grace of Allah!"

Elim people look at me and talk quietly to each other. My Pastor get very red face. He stride over to me call me a "Fenian" and tell me I not welcome in Elim. This very, very unfair. I sad. I say "You all bloody, bastard, bloody, fuckers! You dogs miss me more than I miss you!".

Then I defect to DUP. I go into conference place. DUP very nice people, they drink much Schloer. I have hip flask of Buckfast, it look like Schloer, so I blend into crowd like thumb that is not sore. I make friends. I phone my house mate Silvio Berlusconi and say he come to DUP party but Silvio refuse, he say he is TUV man.

Peter Robbo give great speech. He say that DUP still hate Catholics but will pretend we want nice things for everyone. Then he talk about fat people called The Nolans. He say they eat and eat and eat and eat but talk shit about DUP because they is fat and stupid. And Catholic. Later, Sammy Wilson give speech. He try to be funny. He not funny. He as funny as having to tell three year old daughter that kitten have cancer and that she is ugly and never get husband.

I talk to Robbo. I tell him I'm sorry for him about wife Iris. I tell him I see her last week and I know she not good give good blow jobs and that make any husband unhappy. I tell him I try to tell her what she do wrong, but it not help. He dignified and say nothing.

I get DUP bus back to Banbridge. I have farting competition with Nelson McCauseland and Willie McCrea. Willie win, but disqualified for follow through. I crowned fart king. Good day!!!!

I think I leave Elim and become Free P. They fun, happy people who have opened minds. Not one called me "darkie" or "wop". Very unlike left footers - for example, Edna Kenny call everyone "nigger".

News

2012-01-14T16:44:00.002+01:00

Fuck you, Sarkozy, you fucking fuck.

2012-01-13T22:05:00.001+01:00

For once, subtlety has been abandoned at the Bavarian Orange blog because (oh happy day), thon arsewipe Sarko has been given one right up the jacksie three months before election day. Four months from now, if all goes to plan, he will be out on his hole. So if you don't mind, I'll indulge now in an unprevoked "YEEEEOOOOOH!". Thank you and good night!

The Banbridge Diary of Kim Jong Il

2012-01-12T21:02:00.000+01:00

Kim admires Crozier.

I am not dead, I escaped to west - I am arive and werr and riving in Banblidge!

It is gleat town, nicer than Pyongyang (no raughing at back!), it has loads and a loundabout and arso a rot of girrs I wourd rike to lide. But Rurgan better.

I have house. Flank Carson and me rive there. He sit on hore arr day and watch firms about resbians. I rike firms about resbians. Rovery resbians!

I have job. I work at Ridr with new wife carred Resrey. She rikes to lide. She rike it up hore. But soon I rove her and reave her.

Banblidge velly nice, but Rurgan better. It has curture, rots of interrigent peopre and a park with a rake. Banblidge onry has liver. It smerr. And peopre smerr. Tomollow I take bus to Rurgan. I rook for frat in Rurgan. George Crooney rive there, Roretta Rynn, Riam Neeson and Ryre Rovett too. I want frat with view of Claigavon Rakes.

I buird chemicar, nucrear and biorogicar weapon and make Rurgan superpower! Then invade Rondondelly, Eniskirren, Tandlagee and become reader of whore of Urster! I rook forward to this velly much!

I hope I get Rurgan home. I rove Rurgan velly much.

OK. I have wlitten enough. Now I must go and see a man about a dog.

Tark to you rater.

Lemmy out of Mötörhead's Banbridge Diary

2012-01-12T18:09:00.002+01:00

Lemmy jaywalking in Banbridge yesterday

I first came here in the early 70's. Banbridge was full of Hawkwind fans back then and we used to fill the stadium on the Castlewellan Road three or four nights in a row every time we visited. When I left the band, I decided to move here, it seemed natural as I was held in some affection by the locals and of course it's a classy place with fantastic people. I like to tell people I live in LA, but that´s just a ruse to keep them off the scent as it were.

Because it's such a terrific spot, the town is packed with stars and other prominent people. Bowie and Iggy Pop share a flat up the Newry Road, I never bother with them much, they are the worst bar flys in town. They've recently started hanging out with Col. Gadaffi who is another waster. He thought he'd come over here from the Med and start running the show but all he's doing it seems is frisking girls at the Coach a few hours of the week and bumming drinks the rest of the time. His new scheme is to hold some kind of theatrical revue show in the leisure centre. Apparently it's going to be called "The Ladyboys of Dungannon". I'll believe it when I see it.

Lemmy and the love of his life

Life in Banbridge has been good to me. About 10 years ago, I met the love of my life. Amazing woman. She faked her own death to escape from her father in law and ended up here. Who'd have thought that I of all people would end up married with two kids? Lemmy's "happy ever after", eh?

Of course it's not all plain sailing for everyone. Dana and David Trimble's marriage was explosive and short lived and to be perfectly honest Leonardo DiCaprio should never have married that bitch Madonna. Still, Patick Kielty and Rihanna seem to be doing alright, word has it that there'll be a bit of ring activity in the near future. Hope I get an invitation!

Well, I'd best go and put the kids to bed and then settle down in front of the TV for a bit of the old X Factor and a cup of cocoa. Life's quiet and settled. Life's good, all thanks to Banbridge.

Stephen Nolan's Banbridge Diary

2012-01-11T19:59:00.000+01:00

Fatso

"....well that's all we have time for today, tune into the Nolan Show tomorrow with me, Stephen Nolan, and I'll tell you what to think about sausage rolls. Great craic.
Ach! and would ye look at what the cat's dragged in, if it isn't me old mate Gerry Anderson! What about ye, Gerry?

Away and fuck ye fat, annoying shite.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Great craic Gerry! Never short of a witty riposte! Well, see you tomorrow ye boy ye!

Not if I can help it Nolan, now fuck off and leave me in peace....."

I love my radio show and I love the fact that the BBC lets me broadcast it from my house in Banbridge. But ye know, it's more than just a radio show, it's a public service. Northern Ireland is such a sick place, most of the people are so filled with the wrong ideas about life, politics, love and food that it needs someone like me to put them right. And I do. Every day. Now if that isn't public service, then I don't know what is.

When I'm not broadcasting you'll usually find me walking the streets of Banbridge offering people my autograph and telling them my views on the great issues of the day. It's something I have to do because how on earth could I do my job if I didn't keep in touch with the little people? It would be impossible.

On Friday's I organise a pub quiz in Sheppards Bar in Banbridge. I am the quiz master of course and I ask questions such as "should we kick Greece out of Europe?" and "should Peter Robinson go to Mass every Sunday for a year to make up for his past bigotryism?". The various teams give their answers and then I tell them why they are wrong. At length. It's a small contribution but it helps. I offer free drinks at these evenings, but I like to think that the folk would come anyway. But bonds are formed and that's the most important thing.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about how to lose weight and talking about it to the little people I meet on the streets of Banbridge. Sometimes they just look at me as if they just don't understand me, but that's to be expected because none of them went to Inst. like I did. Its a constant battle to speak to them on their own level, they are pitiable yet likeable in a standoffish kind of way but I'll keep plugging away anyway because I'm a professional. One day I'll make a breakthrough. I know it. I just have to find out the best way of descending to their level. If you have any ideas, just let me know!

On the subject of diets, the new one seems to be working! I've lost three ounces this month already which is more than I lost last year on the disastrous "beer and pie" and "supersize me" diets. Amazing! You know, I stumbled upon the latest one completely by accident, I discovered that if I eat a bit less and do a wee bit of exercise, I lose weight!!!! Freaky, isn't it? But I won't talk about it on my radio show, the last thing people want to hear is some fat slob of a DJ whining about his waistline. That would never do. For better of for worse, I'm just too professional to risk annoying people, that's probably my greatest failing.

People say a lot of things about me, but I don't care. They say I'm too good for Northern Ireland and that I should go and make my millions in America. They even say that I should form a new political party and become First Minister or even Prime Minister. But they never say that I'm sad and lonely. That's because I'm not sad and lonely with no friends. And I'm not an insecure parochial with an inferiority complex who compensates by being loud and opinionated. No, I'm not sad and lonely.

I'm not lonely. I don't need friends.

I'm not lonely.

Really, I'm not.

Honest.

Alasdair McDonnell and Money

2012-01-08T17:57:00.000+01:00

This year's leader of the SDLP recently remarked that MLAs needed a pay rise in order to prevent them sliding into poverty. He has since retracted these philosophical musings, not least because they were:

against SDLP official policy
unpopular with his party and the public
plainly ludicrous

I know of only one MLA who can pop into his local Northern Bank and walk out with £25 million whenever he feels like it, so perhaps Mr. McDonnell has a point. Perhaps some MLAs are on the verge of poverty and perhaps even Mr. McDonnell himself is forced to shop at Lidl and Oxfam just to keep the wolves from the door. In any case, if £40,000 a year isn't enough for Mr. McDonnell, maybe he should find ways of boosting his income. Here's a few ideas.

Public Speaking
Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher were both able to make large sums of money through public speaking and word has it that even Tony Blair can command up to £100,000 per speech. Following a detailed analysis of his parliamentary utterings, we reckon Mr. McDonnell could easily charge up to £11.63 for a single after dinner appearance. And if you don't believe us, just take a look at this powerful performance:

Product Endorsement
A tough one for a number of reasons. Firstly, he's a man of a certain age, he's a politician and finally........there's no kind way of saying this........he's a nobody. And yet I can well imagine that Alasdair's gravitas would be much sought after for some products such as:

Acting
I seem to remember that Neil Kinnock appeared in a pop video years ago and that either Ken Livinstone or Boris appeared in Eastenders once. Therefore the precedent exists - politicians are allowed to carve out lucrative acting careers. But given his dire financial woes I think our Al should aim high - Eastenders is never going to pay him what he needs, so perhaps he should head to Hollywood and make some real money....

But on the other hand....
Al would do well to remember that he is a Westminster MP as well as an MLA and that he therefore receives two salaries along with all the associated perks and benefits. With that in mind, perhaps he should also consider shutting his stupid, fat, culchie mouth in future, especially now that we know he isn't even worth the minimum wage.

Lurgan News

2012-01-06T21:21:00.000+01:00

Marriage wrecker!

"She kissed a lad last night"

The Ulster Unionist Party was thrown into chaos last night when it emerged that Tom Elliott was the reason behind Russell Brand's recent split from Katy Perry. The adulterous couple were holed up in a luxury penthouse suite at the Ashburn Hotel until this morning when they announced that they would host a lunchtime press conference in the spacious, yet homely lobby. Nibbling nervously at the delicious trays of canapes, the pair announced that they were "very much in love" and "looking forward to getting to know each other better" following a whirlwind romance which began when the two met by chance whilst doing some Christmas shopping at a car boot sale in Dungannon. They added that they were particularly looking forward to spending a few more weeks at the Ashburn and would probably stay in their bed for a while in order to make a symbolic statement in favour of world peace, much like John and Yoko did. Mr. Elliott, however, was adamant that he was not a hallion like Lennon and would therefore be shaving every day.

The Upper Bann UUP constituency office refused to comment on Mr. Elliott's future, but they did say that they were concerned about Ms. Perry's boast that she had once kissed a girl and liked it. Apparently internet investigations are underway.

Pop a cap in yo ass

Arlene and Snoop Dogg

Stars from the world of hip-hop gathered at Craigavon's civic centre today to take part in a five day, DUP-sponsored conference entitled "The Ghetto and the Union".

The plenary speaker was Arlene Foster who spoke of the importance of "getting working class Protestants interested in machine guns and drugs.....er.....the creative process and the job market". Snoop Dogg took up this theme and forcefully explained that Protestant youth's disengagement from the political process was a direct consequence of the plebianisation of society caused by stringent fiscal and monetary policies which have been in place since the mid 1980's throughout the western world. Sammy Wilson nodded in agreement and said that he had nothing to add. He was later spotted leafing through a dictionary.

In the afternoon, a "Gospel Gangsta Rap Workshop" was held in which participants had the chance to learn much from Willie McCrea and Ice-T. Tomorrow, delegates will hold a "crack pipe" breakout session and there will be discussions on Schloer, body popping and Iris Robinson.

New Computer Games

Lurgan is the inspiration for a new computer game released this week. "Angry Birds Lurgan" follows the traditional pattern of other games from this franchise but whereas previous incarnations have involved assaulting pigs of the porcine kind, Angry Birds Lurgan is all about pelting members of the PSNI. And trains.

The other new game this week is a modern twist of an old idea, but we like it very much indeed!!

And Finally........Racists!

The Jim Allister Traditional Dictionary.

2012-01-02T18:11:00.004+01:00

Hello everybody, big Jim here.
It's a well known factoid that languages change over time and like all other "changes" (apart from developments in Diesel engines), this is a very bad thing. Old words have been forgotten and some have lost their original meaning - it's all very distressing and unnecessary and if you call that "progress", then I`d call you a Lundy fool.
So today, I am starting a campaign to get old words back into use and to restore original meanings to those nouns, verbs and adjectives which have had their useage altered over the years. Below is a list of words which will form the basis of my new "Traditional Dictionary", if you can think of others please leave a comment. Together we will bring about a rejuvenating rebirth of the English language!

Aids: This used to be a wonderful word meaning "help", as in "marital aids". Now it is a disease which afflicts immoral people as well as many of the world's darker-skinned unfortunates.
Bean flicker: Currently this term is used as a badge of pride by certain types of ladies who get hot flushes every time they see Sandi Toksvig on the TV. Its original and real meaning comes from the ancient County Antrim game of "Bean Flicking" in which the "Bean Flicker" has to put a baked bean on to a teaspoon, flick it up into the air and then catch it in his Y-fronts.
Cock fighting: This is now known as an illegal and cruel "sport" in which two male chickens ("cocks") are forced to fight to the death. However, a "cock fight" was originally (and remains) a secret initiation rite of the Orange Order. I am not allowed to say any more about this, but I think I can safely mention that in 324 bouts, I am still undefeated.
Come Dancing: WARNING - THIS IS A VERY DIRTY PHRASE!!! These days, it is of course the title of a charming, if boring, Saturday evening, family TV show. BUT in the 1980's when the Rock n' Roll craze hit first Ulster, depraved young Donaghadee people would hold "come dancing" parties which involved listening to the Devil's music and engaging in a lot of sexual activity. Following this, they would dance through trails of bodily emissions (hence "come dancing"). I must emphasise that I only attended one of these affairs by accident and left as soon as I discovered what was involved. Honest.
Diddies: This word means "breasts" and has nothing at all to do with Ken Dodd.
Dolly Bird: A good old fashioned word which describes slightly slutty, yet good-looking women about town. Sadly fallen into abeyance, I hope this word makes a comeback sometime soon!
Fanny: This lovely Christian name for females is sadly now more commonly used as a synonym for "bliff". Now that the campaign is underway, I hereby formally urge all my supporters to name all their female offspring "Fanny" in order to bring this name back into popularity once more!!!
Fudge Packer: In the olden days, fudge packers used to work in sweetie factories. They were responsible for putting the chocolate bars and fudges into boxes prior to transportation to the shops, it was a well respected profession and folk were only too happy to be referred to as a "fudge packer" by friends and colleagues. Now, and most regrettably, it has become a term of endearment amongst those adept in the art of bumming.
Fingered: This means blaming someone for something and it has nothing to do with sheep. Except in Rathfriland.
Gay: Everyone knows that this word now means "poof" and that it used to mean "homo". No further explanation needed, I hope.
Gaylord: Once a wonderful old name for the sons of gentlemen, it was recently co-opted by homosexual members of the aristocracy.
Glands: Formerly a generic term for tits and bollocks, "glands" are now something which fat people blame for their greedy ways.
Golliwog: These lovely John Hume-themed effigies fell victim to the politically correct squad when Margaret Thatcher talked about them on "The One Show" and laughed at how she used to burn them on the 12th. They must make a comeback!
Jugs: See "diddies"
Love: Spoken with a cheeky smile and delivered simultaneously with a firm smack on a pretty young secretary's buttocks, this used to be a jovial term of endearment for female colleagues until ugly feminazis objected. "Pet", "darling" and "sugar tits" are equally good. Let's get back to basics with this one, give it a go tomorrow and let me know how it went!
Manhole: A thing in the ground, NOT a top secret Ards buggery club whose name and location are known only to its members.
Sooty: For decades, black people loved nothing more than to be called "sooty" and then along came that horrible "Sooty and Sweep" show. Thus it was no wonder that the coloureds didn't want to be compared to a glove puppet and as a result, the word was dropped as a good-natured greeting.
Shit Stabbers: Currently a jocular label for male dancers, male nurses and fans of Morrissey. But back in the day, the "Shit Stabbers" were a secret and deadly band of Magherafelt Ninjas. They got this name because they used to smear their swords and daggers with some of the town's abundant dog shite before going into battle. Thus, if an enemy wasn't killed outright by a Shit Stabber's blow, he was guaranteed to die from dog shit-induced septicaemia a few days later.
Turd Burglar: Yet another ancient word adopted and degraded by the homosexual community. In the 1800's the notorious "Body Snatchers" would steal fresh corpses from their graves and then sell them to doctors who would then do things to them. During this period, a lesser known group known as the "Turd Burglars" would lurk in London's sewers, collect the finest specimens of shite that they could find and then sell them to microbiologists.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Please start using the above words in your every day speech and in the correct context. If enough of us make the effort, the English language will improve immeasurably!

Review of the Year 2011

2011-12-27T21:10:00.002+01:00

2011 was this blog's most successful year since it was launched 18 months ago. But don't let that impress you, real web sites get more hits in 18 seconds that we have ever had. How and ever, consider this post to be a wee celebration of a year of blogging keek which lured unsuspecting Arabs and other third world perverts to photoshopped images of a naked Sammy Wilson when what they really wanted was naturist porn....

January
We kicked the year off with taking a look at the Irish (Mordor) General election. As usual, we wasted no time in avoiding intellectual onanism and went straight for the childish, puerile crap for which we are known and unloved.

February
The month of love! And to celebrate Valentine's day, we produced this lovely heart-warming film..

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

March
A big month for the Royals! First of all, Kate Middleton agreed to marry Prince William. I never could understand what she saw in the young, multimillionaire heir to the throne but I do know what he saw in her:

In a further development, plans were underway for the Queen's visit to Mordor (The Free State)

But on a more serious note, a terrible earthquake struck the planet:

April
ELECTION FEVER !!!!!!!!!!

May
Royal wedding fever struck the whole world. But it might have been April, I can't remember

May (Part 2)
ELECTION RESULTS FEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

And the Queen visits Ireland...

May Part 3
That loser Obama visits Mordor and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and NORTHERN IRELAND.

June
This month, Katie Ruane was officially sexy.

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July
Nothing happened apart from the 12th

August
We made up a world exclusive about male prostitution in Stormont:

We also delved into the tricky world of science:

September
Rihanna visited ULSTER!!!

October
Marty's Presidential election bid....

October Part 2, Halloween

November
The SDLP elected another charismatic new leader...

Free online games:

Make a game | Marty Sniper | Free games | Pictogame

Make a game | Robbo Sniper | Free games | Pictogame

December
The North Korean strongman dies, leaving the world's first Communist state with a hereditary leadership looking forward to a new dictator. More interestingly, however, The Krankies admitted to their swinging past...

And finally, yet another repeat of the Sammy Wilson film which you were already bored of many many moons ago.

Well, that was it folks. Sorry for wasting your time, but......actually I'm not.
All the best for 2012, more shite guaranteed to come here again next year. Ciao for now....

Special Festive Online Game

2011-12-23T16:13:00.000+01:00

An Ulster Christmas just wouldn't be the same without May McFettridge starring in a Panto at the Grand Ole Opry House. I'll let you dwell on that for a moment......
As much as I like Panto, I have never been a fan of May. There, I've said it.
And that's why I have created a new, spectacular online game which will allow you to box her ears to your heart's content. Have fun and Merry Christmas from the Bavarian Orange team.

Make a game | Share | Free games | Pictogame

Immature Christmas movies

2011-12-21T20:54:00.003+01:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Bavarian Annual Political Awards - THE RESULTS !!!

2011-12-20T21:18:00.006+01:00

A while ago I decided that like every other crap website, the Bavarian Orange Blog should have its own awards doofer. And lo it came to pass that I requested nominations from the public so that you, dear readers, could have a say in deciding who are the worst Ulster politicians is a series of different categories. I was pleasantly surprised by the level of support - we actually had four(!!!!!!!) responses!!!
I'd like to thank all of the respondents and since his nominations were the most comprehensive, JPG's suggestions will form the basis of the awards. Winners can feel free to put a "Golden Sammy" picture on their websites because they have certainly deserved their honours. But enough of this crap, let's get on with the show. This year's ceremony was held at the Craigavon Civic Centre and the presenters were Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox. You'll be glad to hear that it was a vomit flecked rout. It went something like this:

Sam: Woooo hooo! Y'allright? Yeah!
Mick: Good evening and welcome to this year's Bavarian Annual Political Awards, otherwise known as the BAP awards. An speaking of baps, here's my co host tonight, Sam Fox!!!!!
Sam: Woo hoo!
Mick: OK, lets get on with the show, here's the winners.
Sam: Woo hoo!

.........etc etc etc etc..............

Vapid Alliance arsehole of the year: David Ford
Who else? A closely run thing as David nearly put himself out of the running by letting rapists out of jail with instructions to strike again - not so vapid, but he's still an arsehole. Congratulations, David!

Ineffectual SDLP knob of the year: Margaret Ritchie
Poor old Maggie. It seems a shame to intrude on private grief in this way, but she was particularly ineffectual. It's a toss between who was worst - her or Tom Elliott.
(By the way, I didn't mean "toss" in a rude way)

Irrelevant UUP turd of the year: Tom Elliot

Yes indeed, this is the man who outdid Sir Reg's irrelevant performance for what must now be the second most irrelevant party in the Province after The Workers' Party.

Swivel-eyed Shinner fundamentalist of the year: Gerry Adams
When confronted with allegations that his brother was a paedo, incest rapist, Gerry's first comment was "the Brits made him do it" - no wonder the Queen's favourite navvy employee won the prize!

God-bothering DUP hypocrite of the year: Wee Jeffrey
If you are in doubt about, then just read this.

Fat, baldy, annoying TUV gobshite of the year: Big Jim Allister
No explanation necessary, I trust. Well done Jim!

Twat of the year: David Vance

Unfortunately I had to differ from JPG on this one. He nominated Sir Sammy Wilson and there is no frigging way this blog would insult the great man. I think this video will prove I am in the right. I haven't seen it myself, but I don't need to in order to recognize Sammy Wilson's towering statemanship.

As for the winner in this category, there can be no doubt that the word "Vance" has become a universal term of abuse in Northern Ireland. For example the other week I heard a woman chastise her husband with the words "Christ, you are such a Vance" after he crashed the car in Lurgan's High Street. What's more, children in playgrounds no longer tease their friends with insults such as "homo" and "gyppo" - yes, you have guessed it, they use the term "Vance-head" when expressing disapproval of each other.

Silly bint of the year: Iris Robinson

Cruel and unnecessary as it may seem, the lady who spurned lithium tablets in favour of shopping trips to London as a means of recovering from having a shit husband is the only obvious choice for this category. Ulster's equivalent to The Krankies.

Sexy MLA/MP of the year (F): Michelle O'Neil
Michelle my belle. Aaaah. Ulster's answer to Mary Lou McDonald. She has all the feminine beauty of the wee blonde lass out of Abba combined with the pure dirtyness of Madonna. There's an (unsubstantiated and probably untrue) rumour going around Stormont that she is an avid fan of "golden showers" and as unlikely as this may sound, certain Sinn Fein members are known to cheerily sing "The slash our Michelle wore" whenever she passes by. I doubt it myself, but it's a pleasant thought.

Sexy MLA/MP of the year (M): Sir Sammy Wilson, Lord of all he surveys
The Barry White of Stormont. For Ulster ladies, he is the first, last and everything.

Worst MLA of the year: Gregory Campbell

I am not so sure about this one, but I'll go with the only and therefore majority vote. Never known to willingly smile, Greg has put a few noses out of joint recently by his reluctance to laugh at any of Nelson McCausland's dirty jokes. Although he did once smirk when Peter Robinson once mentioned the word "cafe".

Worst MP of the year: Pat Doherty

Pat was born in Glasgow which makes him a plastic paddy who has no business poking his nose into our affairs. It is the opinion of this blog that he should put his tartan skirt back on, fuck off home and whine about the English stealing his oil, or whatever it is they do over there.

Bigot of the year (RC): Niall O Donnghaile Niall recently tried to organise a wee tribute to bus drivers which was all well and good until it was remembered that his da stole and burt out a bus. The driver was murdered a few days later. Strange. Stranger still was his reluctance to give a badge to a schoolkid. He's clearly a bitter bigoted shite, a tool and a worthy winner of this award.

Bigot of the year (P): Tom 'scum' Elliot
Tom's second award of the evening, well done Tom!

Watch this wee video of excruciating awfulness and you'll get the idea.

Lifetime lack achievement award (RC): Gerry Adams

In JPG's words, Gerry deserves his second award because: "we are no nearer a United Ireland after all his efforts over 40 years". I have nothing to add to that.

Lifetime lack achievement award (P): Big Ian

Let's hear from JPG again: "After 50 years of shouting and threatening biblical plagues on the province we are exactly in the same position".

And while we are at it, let's have another look at this wee video to remind ourselves of what a useless, obnoxious, gobshite the old bollocks he really is.

Job because of Daddy: Ian Jnr

Who in their right mind would employ thon except a gobshite father who is unconcerned about the niceties of avoiding accusations of nepotism?

Recession Super Savers (thanks anonymous):

A special award should be given to the IRA and Peter Robinson for their penny saving skills during this harsh economic climate and we can only hope Peter continues to show his Jesus like skill at turning 5 pounds into a fortune and a few more IRA bank jobs is a win win as the bank gets its money back in insurance and then we have millions extra floating around to be pumped back into the economy. If only the IMF were so gifted!

....and finally.....

Blog of the year: The Bavarian Orange Order

Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Next year we'll run it again but I doubt if the results will alter much. Thanks again to those of you who provided nominations and congratulations to the winners!

Dear Santa

2011-12-17T19:57:00.000+01:00

My friends at the Bavarian Orange Kommandos are well known for their exploits (click here) and this week they have come up trumps again for they have raided the Stormont postbags and found a few letters to Santa....

Dear Santa,
This year I have been very good and I would have to agree with everyone when they say that I have steered the European economy with a steady hand and a manly frown through the troubled waters it has found itself in. As saviour of the Euro, I would like a new moustache for Christmas, new motorbike leathers, a calculator and a bottle of Buckfast.
Please, please, please, please!
Sincerely yours,
Sammy Wilson

Dear Santa,

I want a pokemon. And a action man. And a X-Box. And a iphone. And a blow job.
So I do.
John O'Dowd

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big black man.
Love and tickles,
Iris
xoxox

Dear Bastardface,
Last year, I asked you for the Irish Presidency.
Did you deliver? Did you fuck.
You better bring me something very, very, cool this year because if you don't you'll be going back to the North Pole with a very sore South Pole.
Reflect on that, ok?
Martin

Dearest Mr. Claws
I have been such a good little boy this year that I feel no shame at all in asking you to bring be the following items this year:
A big James Dean poster
A box set of Barbara Streisand DVDs
Kylie's greatest hits
The Judy Garland CD Anthology
Erasure concert tickets
A trip to San Francisco
Scented soap
Scented candles
Silky unisex underwear
Thank you Santa, I am sure I can count on you, I know you will "pull it off".
Love
Jeffrey
PS Feel free to come upstairs and tuck me in!

What Iris did next.

2011-12-16T18:53:00.000+01:00

Culled from yet another soon-to-be-defunct blog.

Almost two years ago, Peter stormed into my bedroom with a face on him like a baboon's bum.

"There's nothing else for it" he yelled, "we managed to keep that Nelson McCausland thing quiet but I can't let a public scandal pass, especially one involving a nineteen year old left footer! Iris I'm going to have to banish you for life, and for once I really mean it!!!".

Well Peter certainly didn't let Christian forgiveness get in the way of his lust for revenge and since then I've been forced to live in Banbridge as an internal exile. I've settled in as best as I can but let's face it, Banbridge might have middle class pretensions but it's no Hillsborough, in fact it's not even on a par with Bangor. No, it stands on the brown side of mediocre and that's the best it'll ever be, I said the same thing about Portadown 40 years ago and nobody believed me but I think time has proven me right. Having said that, Banbridge is middle class and hypocritical enough not to bat an eyelid at my presence despite all my star qualities.

But life's not without its difficulties. Until recently, I had a nice wee job as a dinner lady at one of the secondary schools but then the usual gossip and tittle tattle began and then the next thing I knew I'd got the sack and my name had been put on one of those registers. I swear to God, I was only bending down to tie his laces behind the bushes but people have such filthy minds. I'm sure the courts will clear me eventually, Peter says he will hire a QC who will investigate the matter and then clear me without publishing his findings and that will be the end of it all. But despite that minor mishap I'm happy to say that things are finally looking up!

See, I think I've just met the love of my life. I know I say that every six months but this time I'm sure it's true. Fate deals strange cards sometimes and God knows I've had my fair share of duff hands what with all those pointless, loveless, sundry, illicit liaisons and financial investigations. But this time it's different, there is a wee spark that hasn't been there before and more importantly, he's rich and likely to die before me.

I met him at a party in Donaghcloney and his name is Silvio. He's a real gent and very open minded - I know it sounds silly coming from someone my age, but it's like we are soul mates and he's very romantic too, his wee pet names for us are Caligula and Messalina. Peter only ever called me "you" or "her", make of that what you will. The bastard.

Silvio and I are now "an item" as we used to say in the 40's when I was a girl and you know we are even in the middle of setting up a new web site and a company which organises parties! I can't say any more at present but one of these days, be sure to check us out as www.bunga-bunga.co.uk. Honestly, it's all go at the minute! Anyway, I'll have to love you and leave you because I've to go and get a rinse in my hair and then I'm doing lunch with Jordan and Myra Hindley after that. Talk to you another time, ok? Shall we do coffee next week?

Are Ulster's politicians attractive or not?

2011-12-14T21:19:00.000+01:00

This is a question which I dwell on during most of my waking hours. Many's a time I sit pondering if I'd rather sleep with Martina Anderson or Nelson McCausland or whether Nigel Poots would look better in red silk stockings than Catriona Ruane. Not easy choices for a red-blooded heterosexual as I'm sure you'll agree.
Yes, it's hard to be objective about such things which is why I turned to my iPhone for answers. I downloaded a wee app called "Fit or Fugly" which impartially tells you if a person is attractive (i.e. "fit") or unattractive (i.e. "fugly"). Using this app, I imagined that I could derive some interesting and unbiased results regarding the relative merits of some of our wonderful worthies. But first I had to check the app to see if it gave reliable results or not, so I asked its opinion of George Clooney. Here's the result:

As you can see, the software works. Oul George is considered attractive by many females and what does the app say? It says he's "fit" with a score of 9 out of 10. And so, confident that I would get accurate results, I ran through a pile of politicians' photos and got the following results, enjoy:

Breaking news

2011-12-10T22:35:00.001+01:00

"Powered by Bayreuther Kellerbier"

The Euro Crisis Averted
Boosted by yesterday's EU deal, President Sarkozy and Chancelor Merkel today both confidently stated that the continent had managed to avert economic armageddon for now and that the impending 1930's-style depression has been postponed for another fortnight.
But whilst these two individuals may be keen to bask in the glory of their supposed triumph, The Belfast Newsgraph can tonight reveal that the true brains behind the new EU accord (code named "4th Reich") is none other than our own Sammy Wilson. Apparently negotiations were going very badly indeed for most of the week and when they hit a particularly rocky patch on Wednesday, the President of the EU Commission (a fat greaser whose name we forget) phoned Sammy and begged him to board the private jest which was on stand-by at Aldergrove Airport.
Once in Brussels, Sammy wasted no time in telling the assembled grandees that they should "pull the fuckin' finger out, like" and "shit or get off the pot". Invigorated by Sammy's Ulster plain-speaking, the European leaders stopped squabbling and reached an historic agreement. As we have seen, it wasn't all plain sailing - peeved at being upstaged by a supposed underling, David Cameron refused to play ball and slunk off home in a big huff. None the less, we take our hat off to Sammy and can only hope that he will receive his well deserved knighthood in the New Year's Honours.

Help for bigots
Since the signing of the Good Friday Agreement (GFA), there has been a marked decline in the acceptance of sectarian behaviour and language in the Province. However, a new organisation, "Bigots Anonymous" believes that whilst public displays of intolerance are increasingly frowned upon, the overwhelming majority of Northern Ireland citizens remain as tribal as ever. Bigots anonymous provide a safe environment in which bigots can express their views openly and forthrightly without fear of condemnation. Moreover, their 12 step programme "Hate is Great" charts the following path towards members recovering a sense of confident and unapologetic sectarianism:

Buying a Volkswagen Lupo for 500 quid and then spend a few grand on body kit for it
Growing a wee moustache
Drinking more Buckfast than is healthy (i.e. drinking any Buckfast at all)
Effective Rangers/Celtic supporting
Learning how to play one tune and one tune only on a flute or tin whistle
Creative stereotyping
Improving your ghetto mentality
Derogatory terminology
Telling someone's religion just by looking at them
The enemy within - spotting liberal traitors
Advanced drinking and fighting
Sullen bitterness and undeserved sense of entitlement

If you want to become involved, just phone either of the following numbers: 0898 16901690 or 0898 19161916 and ask for Billy or Paddy.

New Radio Show
A brand new and innovative radio show will begin on Radio Ulster next week. Entitled "Devil's Island Frisks", resident fat cunt Stephen Nolan will invite guests to nominate seven guards that they would like to be frisked by every week during their otherwise solitary confinement in the notorious Devil's Island prison. In addition, guest will be able to choose one book and one CD to take with them. First up will be Jim Allister, we don't intend to spoil the opening episode, but in order to give you an idea of what to expect, here's Jim's choices (with illustrative links):
Guards
Wee blondie out of Abba (the female one)
Betty Boo
Olivia Neutron Bomb
Paula Abbul
Twiggy
Sabrina
Diane Dodds

Album
Exile on Main Street - The Rolling Stones

Book
Stig of the Dump

Christmas viewing on Bavarian Orange TV

2011-12-09T19:47:00.000+01:00

You know we have a bumper selection of TV shows for you to choose from this Christmas on Bavarian Orange TV. Actually, that was a lie but for those of you who want to tune in, here's some of the class stuff that's on on Christmas day this year:

Spidersammy

Young Sammy Wilson is the only boy in his class with a moustache Why? Because one fateful day whilst on a school trip to The Ulster Transport Museum, he was bitten on his big red cheeks by mutant radioactive spiders, that's why. In addition to his luxuriant facial hair, Sammy developed superhero powers thanks to the aforementioned arachnid encounter. To wit, he can now do hard sums, run as fast as the other boys (at last) and snog upside down. A must for the ladies!

The Sound of Semtex
Martina is on the run. Again. Unfortunately for her all the safe houses are full to the brim, so she has to go and be a Free Presbyterian Sunday School teacher in Rathfriland until the coast is clear. During this time, she pretends to be a fun-loving maiden aunt who loves nothing more than to sing! Guaranteed family fun which includes hits such as:
"Bass
a beer
a female beer
Harp
a ray of golden sun...."

You Only Live Twice (as in born-again)
Despite the appearances of the picture below, this is not a ladyboy film. No, its an action adventure film starring action man Jeff Bondage. Along the way, he is accosted by many pretty young fillies with winning smiles and silvery laughs but our hero is strangely disinterested, preferring instead to watch old Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand films on his hotel TV of an evening. And late-night dramas set in the far east.

The Wizard of Lurgan
Lovely young Mary Lou McDonald wakes up in a strange place, "I'm not in Waringstown anymore", she says to herself, somewhat shocked and dismayed. And well may she be shocked and dismayed, for somehow a giant tornado has whipped her put of her Waringstown trailer park and landed her in Portadown! To make matters worse, she has landed on top of Martina, the wicked witch of the North West and killed her. Quick-thinking as ever, Mary Lou takes the witch's Primark slippers and sets off along the golden road which leads to Lurgan - a nirvana of prosperity, culture and civility. She aims to find the Wizard of Lurgan (Nelson McCausland) in the hope that he can transport her back to Waringstown. On the way she meets some friends who try to help her attain her goals. There is Jeff the scarecrow who only has a mouldy carrot for a cock, Marty the lion who, to his shame, can't help being a RUC/PSNI tout and Biffo the thick no-tin man who has lost all his money in pyramid schemes (which he invented and administered). Can the Wizard help them all? Tune in to find out!

Poetry Corner

Amazingly, the culture Minister Carál Ní Chuilín has consented to recite her award-winning poem "Christmas in Jail" for us live on air. It was forged from the cruel memories of being slung in prison for four years due to explosives irregularities. For those of you who might accidentally put their boot through the TV upon seeing her pretty little face, I'll reproduce her verse here for you to read:

Christmas in Jail

Carál Ní Chuilín MLA

Crying, shouting, screaming, fighting,

moaning, wailing, stabbing and biting.

No Irish Priests to give me Mass

And if there were, they could kiss my ass.

Christmas in jail.

Dirty, fat-dyke, English screws,

junkies, whores and a couple of Jews.

And some spades and nips who speak all queer,

miscarriage of justice is why I'm here

Christmas in fucking jail.

I only wanted to blow up those Brits,

its morally right to harm those shits.

But now its rubber gloves and "please bend over",

every other week, over and over.

.....Some nice things about Christmas in jail.

Nobody want to speak Gaelic in jail

Nobody wants to dirty protest

Nobody wants to blow stuff up

Nobody wants to be a Stormont MLA

Nobody wants to read dull history books and the political musings of bearded arseholes

Nobody wants to KILL

Except me.

Life's not fair when you spend

Christmas in Jail.

A repeat

Of course Christmas would not be the same if there weren't any repeats. So here's one we have posted several times before:

A Christmas Carál (Part 1)

2011-12-07T21:40:00.000+01:00

"Her face looks as if her arse
is sucking lemons"
- Nelson McCausland

It was December 21st at 4.30 pm and all the lights in the Stormont buildings were out except for one. It was an awful evening, the wind was blowing a gale, it was pishing down like there was no tomorrow and everyone out on the streets agreed that it was absolutely baltic. But inside her office, Carál Ní Chuilín did not notice anything beyond the pile of work on her desk.

"Oh fiddlesticks!" she swore, "another silly application for culture money from a Protestant, will they never learn? My budget is for real culture such as the Irish language, traditional Irish sports and Palestinian lesbian outreach arms caches, not for Ulster-Scots translation services and haggis competitions!".

And with that, she threw the offending Hun document into the bin marked "incineration" and proceeded to approve a series of applications relating to the "Sir Roger Casement Memorial Semtex Collection".

Four hours and £400,000 later, Carál treated herself to a pot noodle, a glass of Blue Nun and half and hour of her "Thornbirds" DVD before calling it a day. Then she pumped up the airbed in the corner of her office, put on her Peppa Pig pyjamas, cuddled up with Mr. Teddywoo and drifted off to sleep.

Half an hour later, she woke with a fright and instinctively reached under her pillow for her trusty Heckler and Koch. Had she heard something? Yes! she had! Groaning, chains, wailing and shuffling growing closer and closer. Ten seconds later her office door burst open, the lights were turned on and a strange figure stood in front of a petrified Carál. When she had recovered her composure, all she could say was "Martina Anderson, what the hell do you think you are doing here?".

Martina howled, shook her chains, howled some more and then sat down and lit a fag. Several smoke rings later, she spoke:

"Carál love, listen to me. You'll just have to change your ways, this bigotry of yours is doing you no good at all. Look at me, I'm done for. I realised much too late that I needed to change. And even though I volunteered to become the Sinn Fein Prod Scum Outreach Officer, it was too late. I'm damned".

"I'd give her one"
- Nelson McCausland

"What the frig are you on about, Martina", demanded Carál. "Are you on drugs or something? Sure there's nothing wrong with you and you are not damned, catch yerself on!"

Martina frowned and spoke with a well practiced pseudo-compassionate spite: "Carál", she said, "I died three years ago in a freak colonic irrigation accident. And for my unforgivable sins I was cursed to remain on this earth as Martina Anderson forever. Satan has given me one last chance though, and if I can turn you from your sectarian hatred he'll allow me into the underworld and make me Queen of the Irish pixie demons!"

"Yer hole" exclaimed an incredulous Carál, "why would Satan want anyone turned from the dark side? And if you really are some kind of zombie, then why don't you prove it?"

At that point, Martina let rip with the biggest, greenest, most pungent fart in the history of the world ever. "Did any mere mortal ever drop one like thon, bitch?" she screamed. And as if that weren't enough Martina then ripped her own head off, stuffed it up Carál's pyjama top and yelled "ye girl ye!" a few times before settling herself down back to her usual demure, ladylike self. "See, I am a zombie. As for your question, Satan has this wee bet with God that you are such a bitch that he'd never let you into heaven and being a gambling man, the Devil sent me to save your soul".

"Now listen to me carefully because I will say this only once", Martina continued, "You will be visited by three ghosts in the next three nights and if you have not seen the error of your ways by Christmas morning we are both finished!".

No sooner than she had finished speaking, Martina Anderson disappeared in a flash of green, smelly, farty smoke and Carál collapsed into her bed and did not stir again until morning........

TO BE CONTINUED.....................

(Typos will be corrected at some other point. Maybe.)

Sammy Wilson, national treasure.

2011-12-05T19:11:00.000+01:00

Oh yes he is!

Yes, it's panto time yet again but that does not mean that the subject of tonight's post is the back end of a horse or anything, no it's the one and only archetypal Ulsterman - Sammy Wilson.

Everything about Sammy says "Ulster", from the hair, the voice, the 'tache, the oratory and the figure. He is Mr. Ulster. I know we take the piss out of him from time to time, but can you think of anyone else who embodies Ulsterness more than he does? No, of course you can't.

So without further ado, here are a few photographic tributes to the great man made with my phone over the months when I was at a loose end. Well, it was either going to be a Sammy retrospective or a gallery of John O'Dowd and I thought you'd prefer the former.

Anyway, in case you think I'm joking this time, forget it - Sammy is this blog´s number one hero (along with Mary Lou McDonald, but for other reasons). Here goes:

Santa Sammy

Fanny magnet Sammy

Action man Sammy

Speedball Sammy

Sexy Sammy

Sammy escorting Grace Kelly

Buckfast Sammy

Man of the people Sammy

Stargazer Sammy

Matinee idol Sammy

Holy toast Sammy

Warhol Sammy

Old age Sammy

70's Sammy

Scouser Sammy

Sweet Sammy

Biggles Sammy

Major Tom Sammy

Sioux Sammy

Caesar Sammy

Libertine Sammy

Sammy's rightful place

General Sammy

Sex symbol Sammy

Libidinous Sammy

Cowboy Sammy (but not with the finances!)

Super Sammy!

Suave Sammy

Assassin Sammy

Honoured guest Sammy

Sammy doing the right thing.

Worth his weight in gold.

Bavarian Annual Political Awards

2011-11-30T20:52:00.002+01:00

These days, it seems as if every pissy wee website has its own awards, so the other day I thought to myself "Luther, you have a pissy wee blog, so why not dole out some awards?". Usually awards thingies try to celebrate what's best in certain aspects of life but since my "BAP Awards" are all to do with Ulster politics, we will just have to face the reality of the situation and seek out the worst. And before you say "that's easy", well think again because there is a hell of a lot of competition in the Stormont shite stakes.

I'd appreciate your help here, so please leave your votes for each category (or any new ones you can think of) in the comments section.

The categories are as follows, and both MPs and MLAs may be nominated. The winning politicians will win a much coveted "Sammy" award (pictured right), so there's a lot at stake. Please use your democratic rights to vote early and often, I could do with a laugh. Polls close on the 20th December at midnight.

I imagine we will end up renting the Ulster hall for a big gala evening and that Terry Wogan will offer his compere services for free. That being the case, I´ll now arrange the categories according to the order in which they'll appear on the big night. To get things going we'll start off with some rather bland awards which will be presented by guest celebrities Jordan and Richard Madely:

Vapid Alliance arsehole of the year
Ineffectual SDLP knob of the year
Irrelevant UUP turd of the year
Swivel-eyed Shinner fundamentalist of the year
God-bothering DUP hypocrite of the year
Fat, baldy, annoying TUV gobshite of the year

There will be a bit of a pause for some drink and then, we'll move on to something with a bit more substance. I reckon Patrick Kielty would be the man to present these ones:

Twat of the year
Silly bint of the year

Light relief will then be provided by the following ludicrous categories:

Sexy MLA/MP of the year (F)
Sexy MLA/MP of the year (M)

Then we will move on to the core of the show. For extra gravitas, Barry McGuigan will be at hand to present the following awards:

Worst MLA of the year
Worst MP of the year

And now we are down to the hardcore kernel, the most sought after awards in Ulster public life. And who better to hand them out that our very own May McFettridge?

Bigot of the year (RC)
Bigot of the year (P)

Finally to end the night we will recognise two towering titans of Ulster politics:

Lifetime lack achievement award (RC)
Lifetime lack achievement award (P)

After it's all done and dusted, there'll be drink and fighting. Please make sure it's a success and vote for all you are worth!

Stephen Nolan Boxing Game

2011-11-26T22:34:00.000+01:00

Have you ever wanted to get in the ring with Stephen Nolan and punch him in his fat, obnoxious face? Well, here's your chance with the latest Bavarian Orange computer game!
I consider this to be a public service post, by the way.

The keyboard controls are:
A: Punch with the left
S: Uppercut
D: Punch with the right
Space: block.

Link: PlayMyGame

Marty McGuiness and Peter Robinson Games!

2011-11-25T22:04:00.003+01:00

Tonight, the Bavarian Orange bandwagon of shite proceeds further along it's carefully charted road to oblivion with yet another internet first - computer games starring none other than Robbo and Coco! According to your own sectarian urges you can now play games which involve shooting either of the aforementioned ..er.. heroes. In case you were interested, both of these punks made my day. But not in a rude way. Enjoy.

Make a game | Marty Sniper | Free games | Pictogame

Make a game | Robbo Sniper | Free games | Pictogame

Make a game | Kick Jim's Arse | Free games | Pictogame

Make a game | Kick Catriona up the arse | Free games | Pictogame

Munich Continental Market - The Bavarian Orange Stall

2011-11-23T21:17:00.000+01:00

Yes indeed, we have managed to get a spot at the Munich Christmas market this year. If you can imagine a German Nutts Corner with a bit more drink and better food then that's how our stall looks and feels. In other words, its great. As expected, business has been brisk and to date we have sold the following:

6.5 million gallons of mulled Buckfast
450 Santa sashes
380 Festive bowlers (red with a white furry rim and an orange flashing light on top)
84 kerb painting kits
800 bags of "yella man"
43 Pope voodoo dolls
5467 pairs of Jeffrey Donaldson's used underpants (unwashed)
12349 stick-on replicas of Sammy Wilson's moustache
0 copies of Willie McCrea's CD "Merry Christmas Everyone (Except the Taigs)"

However, one CD which is selling well, however, is our own Chrimbo compilation which contains such memorable hits as:

Frosty the Orangewoman
Marchin' home for Christmas
Gerry, the Pinocchio-nosed reindeer
Fairytale of Drumcree
Have yourself an Orange little Christmas
I saw Iris kissing Santa Claus

The CD many, many more top quality songs fer by and all are sung by jovially drunk Orangemen backed up by the best flute bands that Bavaria has to offer!
If you happen to be in Munich please pop by our stall and give us some of your money in return for tat. For the more adventurous of you, we also have some "under the counter" material on DVD - local actors have got together and have produced some wonderful reenactments of certain Ulster-related recent events:

stripping episodes in the South of France
encounters between mature ladies and 19 year old cafe owners
sports massages
lonely Ulster MPs watching pay-per-view films in hotel rooms

Something for everyone and only a tenner each. The last one has not sold well, so we are giving it away...... See you soon!

Tolerant, liberal Shinners

2011-11-21T19:32:00.002+01:00

I used to make the odd You Tube video but as they became ever more time consuming, I gave up. Not that this creative endeavor is much missed because they usually only got a handful of hits anyway. One however, has touched a bit of a nerve with the Shinners, not much of a nerve as it's still only been viewed 5800 times. But that's a record for me, though.
But more interesting are the comments it has attracted by those peace-loving individuals who have renounced violence and are not in favour of nasty things such as ethnic cleansing. The mediocre video is below and beneath that are the comments (in reverse order). I'll leave it to you to decide if they are a pack of xenophobic, sectarian, humorless, illiterate, thick, swivel-eyed, can't-get-a-girlfriend wankers. Or not.

TAKE THE BOAT INTERLOPER
armaghlore vor 1 Woche
The people of Eire are' a disgrace. While all these arab countries fighting for freedom (and getting) it' here was Eire chance of getting it through the ballot with not 1 dead person lying on the street for their freedom to become a All-Eire again. You know and i know if Mc Guinness had been voted that was Eire next step. Fuk them the are english azz sucking fukers in the south. Shame on them' the world is laughing at them for being the english puppets WIMPS. TIOCFAIDH AR LA
ecswealth vor 1 Woche
Whoever made this is an idiot hahaha sad little kid. Tiocfaidh ar la
andrewmallon0088 vor 1 Woche
The boys look cool even in high speed ! And the silly ENGLISH music doesn't detract from that.
fallzskin vor 2 Wochen
Amazing that such hard men are so touchy.
ulsterbavaria vor 1 Monat
i downt get why every1 says brits out ,if u want the a united ireland u gotta work for it not sit on ur arse and rite about something tht wont happen unless u make it happen,free ireland only 1way to freedom nd its force not polotics
ira3126 vor 1 Monat
what music is that at the start? I sounds like nazi any way it would suit you loyalist scum too genecide against the innocent
shughes375 vor 1 Monat
love how much support this video has look at all the likes :O
I.R.A undefeated!
british out!
TheGenosis vor 1 Monat
Irishaudis4 - real Irish men such as I are not disposed to take plastic paddy yank tossers such as yourself seriously.
ulsterbavaria vor 2 Monaten
@ulsterbavaria fuck look it the kkk
MegaStephen72 vor 2 Monaten
dont under estimate us =)
irishaudis4 vor 2 Monaten
Brilliant video.. All true.. and they surrendered too!!
peter7268 vor 2 Monaten
@peter7268 just keep thinking that planter cos you are goin home some day
karanmartina vor 2 Monaten
i dont get even one bit of this vidio
40supple vor 3 Monaten
Mr/Ms Dusty,
You may be able to speak Gaelic, but your English needs improving. Surnames, even those of terrorists, should begin with capital letters.
Sincerely,
Wilhelm
ulsterbavaria vor 10 Monaten
Billy wright would love this , so would all the rest of the dead Billys. Go hifrean leo uilig na cuint. D
dustyxx vor 10 Monaten 2

The Kings and Queens of these here Isles

2011-11-20T20:55:00.000+01:00

Ordinary folk (i.e. not me) often find it difficult to tell one monarch from our history from another and this can lead to some very embarrassing situations. You know how it is, you are at the pub discussing the Plantagenets or the Tudors with your mates over a few pints of Magners cider and then you suddenly mix up Edward V and Edward VI. Very distressing, especially if you are on the raz with David Starkey or suchlike. Well, all that pain and worry is not a thing of the past because I have prepared a handy wee guide to our illustrious monarchs which should help you prevent any future egg-on-face. Below, I have succinctly summarised the most pertinent points about every king or Queen since 1066 which I advise you to read and digest.

Norman Line
William I the Conqueror (1066-87): Frog. Exploded in his coffin.
William II Rufus (1087-1100):   Founder of the Royal Flower Arranging Society.
Henry I Beauclerc (1100-35): England's Eurovision entrant in 1133.
Stephen (1135-54): Famous for washing once a week, an extravagance in those days.
Empress Matilda (1141): Known as "King Mike" until her sex change operation.

Plantagenet, Angevin Line
Henry II Curtmantle (1154-89): Had the largest "My Little Pony" collection in Europe.
Richard I the Lionheart (1189-99): Had a heart like a lion, but a cock like a gnat.
John Lackland (1199-1216): Was played by Peter Ustinov in Disney's animated "Robin Hood" film.
Henry III (1216-72): Bore an uncanny resemblance to Emmerdale's Amos Brearly.
Edward I Longshanks (1272-1307): Invented the format for what would become "Blue Peter"
Edward II (1307-27): Was allergic to onions.
Edward III (1327-77): Loved nothing more than to eat chips, peas, curry and onions.
Richard II (1377-99): Visited Larne and died three weeks later.

Plantagenet, Lancastrian Line
Henry IV Bolingbroke (1399-1413): Was afraid of flying.
Henry V (1413-22): Never missed an episode of Countdown.
Henry VI (1422-61, 1470-1): Had one of those unsightly sticky-out belly buttons .

Plantagenet, Yorkist Line
Edward IV (1461-70, 1471-83): Looked like nookie bear.
Edward V (1483): Led a crusade to Portadown and ended up a drunk in the gutter.
Richard III Crookback (1483-5): The hunchback whale was named after him.

House of Tudor
Henry VII Tudor (1485-1509): Miser.
Henry VIII (1509-47): Hornball, England's first Prod (if C of E counts as Protestant, that is).
Edward VI (1547-53): Superprod. Imagine a junior version of Ian Paisley with lots of power.
Lady Jane Grey (1553): Lasted only week and a bit but was a Prod.
Mary I Tudor (1553-58): Pyromaniac superbitch who married a Dego.
Elizabeth I (1558-1603): Spinster virgin Prodess who kicked dego arse.

House of Stuart
James I (1603-25): The first Scot allowed south of the border. Invented the Bible.
Charles I (1625-49): Waste of space. Deservedly lost his head.

The Commonwealth
Oliver Cromwell (1649-58): Superhero.
Richard Cromwell (1658-59): Son of Superhero.

House of Stuart, Restored
Charles II (1660-85): Wastrel and hornball who had many children with many ladies. But not with his wife.
James II (1685-88): The ultimate loser.

House of Orange and Stuart
William III, Mary II (1689-1702): Dutch Poof and his long-suffering wife. The best monarchs ever.

House of Stuart
Anne (1702-14): Stuffed the French. Lesbian lover of the Duchess of Marlboro, the world's first cigarette magnate.

House of Brunswick, Hanover Line
George I (1714-27):   Kraut
George II (1727-60):   Sour kraut
George III (1760-1820): Mad kraut
George IV (1820-30): Fat kraut
William IV (1830-37):   Stupid kraut
Victoria (1837-1901): Dour kraut. Had a lengthy affair with Billy Connolly.

House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha
Edward VII (1901-10): Invented cigars. Had a beard. Liked shagging.

House of Windsor
George V (1910-36): Looked like Tsar Nicolas II. Opened a sweetie shop in Buckingham Palace during WW1, the profits were used to buy gas masks for front line troops.
Edward VIII (1936): Nazi. Liked to shag yanks. Exiled to Barbados during the war because he could not be trusted not to help Adolf Hitler bomb London's biggest Jaffa Cake factory.
George VI (1936-52): St-st-st-st-st-st-had a speech impediment
Elizabeth II (1952-present): The greatest monarch the world has ever seen. Ironically, the mother of Charles, who will be the worst.

Ulster Scots Agency: Funding for Dance and Music Tuition in 2012 – Applications welcome

2011-11-16T20:09:00.000+01:00

I'm really sorry I missed this one, but the deadline has passed and I can't apply for free beer money. You see, recently, the Ulster Scots Agency was seeking applications for its Music and Dance Tuition Programme 2012. According to them:

To assist groups interested in making an application to this programme a series of road shows have been organised in the following dates and venues:

Mon 26th September - Royal Hotel, Cookstown at 8pm
Mon 26th September - REACT offices, Armagh at 7.30pm
Tues 27th September - Ballymarlow Orange Hall, Ballymena at 7.30pm
Tues 27th September - Killyhelvin Hotel, Enniskillen at 8pm
Wed 28th September - Ardnariff Orange Hall, Dungiven at 8pm
Wed 28th September - Ulster-Scots Agency, Belfast at 7.30pm
Wed 28th September - Seagoe Hotel, Portadown at 7.30pm
Thurs 29th September - Newtownards Orange Hall at 7.30pm
Thurs 29th September - Canavan Room, Newry Arts Centre at 7.30pm
Sat 1st October - Drum Orange Hall, Drum, Monaghan at 11am
Mon 3rd October - Mountjoy Orange Hall, Omagh at 8pm
Mon 3rd October - IEP Centre, Steeple Estate, Antrim at 7.30pm
Tues 4th October - Coleraine Ulster Scots Resource Centre at 7.30pm
Thurs 6th October - Market House, Ballynahinch at 7.30pm
Mon 10th October - Raphoe Cathedral Hall, Co. Donegal at 8pm

I wonder if they produced tour t-shirts?

They didn't mention how much they were planning to spend on this worthwhile exercise but they did manage to produce some wee application forms and a guidance document which contained the following pearls of financial rectitude:

We DO NOT fund band practice. These grants are for Music and Dance Tuition projects only.
Cash receipts will not be eligible for payment. Payment by groups to tutors should be made by cheque.
Groups awarded funding must submit claims for payment with all necessary invoices and reports.

It's pleasant to know that this body is being financially responsible, after all the European economy has just gone over a cliff, the Euro may not make it until next Friday and the world is staring a decade of recession right in the face. We need someone to be careful and competent, God forbid that Norn Iron would ever be seen as a backward banana republic which survives on a diet of handouts, tribalism, corruption, violence, incompetence and waste.

But let's look on the bright side - why bother keeping hospital departments open in Belfast and elsewhere when the good folk of Norn Iron can gorge themselves on languages which hardly anyone can speak and which very few care about? It's money well spent, isn't it? Speaking of which, here's what has been spent on Irish and Ulster Scots agencies between 2000-2010. Enjoy the official Stormont figures, bye for now...

Lurgan A-Z: C

2011-11-15T20:19:00.002+01:00

I'd like to say I'm returning to the Lurgan A-Z due to popular demand, but that would be a lie. It's more a case of me not having anything else to scribble about. Previous versions of this theme can be seen here (for what it's worth). Due to laziness, I've forgone attempting to put the entries into alphabetical order. So there.
Here goes.

Centrepoint. Fun City.

Cat. Adjective, pronounced "kyeeat". A generic, pejorative term which may be applied to persons, places or situations, for example "Thon pastie supper was pure cat, so it was. I'm gonna have tae boke me ring up in a minute". See also wick.
Centrepoint. Craigavon´s main cultural hub. It boasts a theatre, an opera house, two art galleries and prodigious parking possibilities for the police and ambulances.
Church. Something Lurgan people tend to avoid. If needs must, they pay a visit on Saturday evenings before going on the lash.
Cinema. Lurgan's main claim to fame is that it was the subject of a film called "Carry on Lurgan". Although widely praised by critics, this gritty portrayal of Lurgan life did not strike a chord with the public who took a dim view of the gratuitous images of projectile vomiting and underwear with skidmarks.
Civic Centre. A municipal wedding venue much in favour with pregnant brides to be.
The Cleft. A nightclub for those who enjoy neither drinking, dancing nor fun.
Cod. One of a frivolous nature. A jocular individual.
Codology. Activities performed by a cod.
Crater. One to be pitied or appreciated. A tone of voice indicating pathos must always be deployed when using this adjective.
Clod. To throw. "Here, ye comin' out tonight tae clod stones at the trains?"
Chips. Lurgan people have many of these in their bellies, but none on their shoulders.
Crabs. The last Lurgan case of this embarrassing ailment was recorded in 1926 and was imported into the town by a Portadown courtesan. Crabs remains endemic in Portadown to this day and unfortunately all strains identified there are resistant to antibiotics.
Celebrity Town. The best blog to appear within the past week. Click here for more details.

£20.6 Million Wasted

2011-11-14T20:26:00.001+01:00

I've been researching the whole Ulster Scots thing recently (click here) and to be honest I have not liked what I've seen. By the way, "research" is a term which journalists use for googling stuff, don't be fooled.
Anyway, it seems that Ulster Scots (culchie talk) is a massive waste of money as you will see below. I managed to find "THA BOORD o ULSTÈR-SCOTCH ULSTER-SCOTS AGENCY CORPORATE PLAN 2008 – 2010" and was a little perturbed to find the following budget plan (click here):

15. PROGRAMME EXPENDITURE

On the basis of the Agency’s evaluation of future work, programme expenditure over 2008 – 2010 is estimated at £18.6m. plus a total of £2m for the Plantation commemorations over the period of the plan. A breakdown of this expenditure across the areas of operation of the Agency is shown in the Table below:

Programme Expenditure – 2008- 2010

1. Marketing £6.15m
2. Serving the Community £8.m

3. Working with Others £2m

4. Providing a First Class Service £2.45m
.
Total Programme Expenditure £18.6m
+ £2m (Plantation Project)

I'll leave it to you to decide if this programme is a pile of shite and a waste of tax payers' money which should be shut down immediately. Or not.

By the way, do not forget to visit the best ever new crap blog ever at:
http://celebrity-town.blogspot.com/

A great new blog*

2011-11-11T23:15:00.000+01:00

Yes folks, over at this link you can find what is probably the most entertaining new blog ever in the history of blogs:

http://celebrity-town.blogspot.com/

*it's as shite as everything else I've done

Halloween Competition Results

2011-11-11T19:30:00.000+01:00

But first of all, apologies to Nigel who still has not received his prize yet. Nigel won our last effort and although I sent him the prize a couple of weeks ago the bloody thing didn't arrive. Apparently it went to Dublin, back to Germany and then into the ether. Unsurprisingly, he's wondering when he'll get the thing. A new one will be sent at the same time as the prize for this competition is sent, which might be next year, knowing me and my busy life.

This time, I very cleverly mixed the heads and facial features of prominent folk to come up with more attractive images. Contestants were asked to identify who the head belongs to and who the rest of the facial features belong to. Here's was an example given to get them into the swing of things:

Here, the head of Martina Anderson has been melded with the facial features of Iris Robinson to yield an ecumenical fox. Anyway, enough with that, here are the competition pictures once more and below them are the entrants´answers and the exciting results!

Below are what JPG & Al said. Incorrect answers are in red

JPG´s answers:

1. Jim alister and Jeffrey Donaldson
2. Catrina Ruane and Mike Nesbitt - sorry, it was Mr Poots
3. Martin McGuiness and Jim Allister
4. Edwin Poots and John O Dowd
5. Sammy Wilson and ? Young Katie Ruane!!!
6. Peter Robinson and Martin McGuiness
7. Martin McGuiness and Jonathan Bell
8. Martina Anderson and Carol Ni Chuilin
9. Michelle Gildernew and Michelle O Neil
10. Irene Robinson and Mitchell McLaughlin
11. Stephen Farry and an orc - close but no cigar, JPG. It was the Pope, but you get a bonus point.
12. Jim Allister and May McFetridge - Sorry, it was the Pope again
13. Jeffrey Donaldson and Jonathon Bell
14. John O Dowd and Peter Robinson - Dr. S. Farry was the right answer
15. Michelle Gildernew and Alex Attwood
16. Martin McGuiness and Jim Shannon

Al´s answers:
1. Jim Allister & Jeffrey Donaldson
2. Catrina Ruane & Mike Nesbitt - sorry, it was Mr Poots
3. Martin McGuiness & Jim Allister
4. Edwin Poots & John O Dowd
5. Sammy Wilson & Stephen Farry - no, it was Katie Ruane!!!!
6. Peter Robinson & Martin McGuiness
7. Martin McGuiness & Jonathan Bell
8. Martina Anderson & Carol Ni Chuilin
9. Michelle Gildernew & Michelle O Neil
10. Iris Robinson & Mitchell McLaughlin
11. Stephen Farry & Pope Benedict
12. Jim Allister & Pope Benedict
13. Jeffrey Donaldson & Jonathon Bell
14. John O Dowd & Mike Nesbitt - Dr. S. Farry was the right answer
15. Michelle Gildernew & Alex Attwood
16. Martin McGuiness & Sammy Wilson

As an extra tie-breaker thingy, here's an anagram which rearranges into a truthful five word sentence:

"A canvas voiced dick"

Al got it 100% right when he said: "David Vance is a cock".

So commiserations to JPG and thanks for entering. Congratulations to Al, well done ye boy ye. Yer prize will be on its way one of these days. Stay tuned for another fantastic competition when I have another rubbish idea....

Gaelic, Ulster Scots and Northern Ireland Civil Servants

2011-11-08T19:19:00.000+01:00

Normally, as I'm sure you have noticed, I just make up rubbish and post it here. For a change, today I offer you some real, actual rubbish. To be specific, I am revealing the following three year old document:

European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages

Code Of Courtesy for Irish and Ulster Scots for the

Probation Board for Northern Ireland

You will be delighted to learn that this document (click here) is still in force and equivalent versions are also in force throughout the various branches of the Northern Ireland Civil Service. I won't comment any further, I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not it's a monumental waste of money, time and effort which will only benefit whiny, annoying tossers who have nothing better to do with their time than demand to be dealt with in either Irish or Ulster Scots. Northern Ireland, it's a great wee country, isn't it?

European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages

Code Of Courtesy for Irish and Ulster Scots for the

Probation Board for Northern Ireland

Introduction
Linguistic diversity must be regarded as a common cultural wealth. Everyone is entitled to respect and courtesy, which extends to their language. Every effort should be made to convey this respect even if it is not possible to deal with the person in the language of his/her choice.

The Code sets out how the Board will implement the provisions of the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages that apply to Irish and Ulster Scots.

Personal Names
A person is legally entitled to assume any name he or she wishes – in English or in any other language. If he or she is generally known by that name, it is valid for purposes of legal identification. Unless it appears that he or she is not generally known by that name, staff must respect the wishes of anyone who wants to be known by the Irish or Ulster Scots version of their name, and should use only that name in official business. Care should be taken to avoid confusion and duplication if an individual is known by both Irish/Ulster Scots and English names. It may be useful to put a record of both versions on file.

If an officer believes that the person in question may also have been using an English form of their name, they might ask, “Is this the form of your name you always use? I have to ensure that all your records are together”.

If a person gives his/her name in Irish or Ulster Scots, and the officer dealing with the person has difficulty in writing or even pronouncing it, they should ask the person to help them spell it.

If the name includes an accent, this should present no problem. Practically all computer software packages cater for this.

In short, a person may use whatever form of their name they choose. This right should never be questioned. Every effort should be made to write and/or pronounce a person’s name correctly. Don’t be embarrassed to seek that person’s help.

Face-to-Face Interviews and Meetings

Irish
If someone starts speaking in Irish to staff who do not speak Irish the staff member should explain this and offer the person the choice of:

continuing the interview/meeting in English;
giving written views in Irish
making an appointment for a meeting when an interpreter is present.

If in doubt, clarify that the language in question is Irish. If a person gives advance notice that they want to speak Irish, an interpreter should generally be arranged. This can be done through the NICS Central
Translation Service, telephone Linguistic Operations Branch (028.902.58979) – (PBNI has been approved access to this service). An exception to the general requirement to provide an interpreter might be recruitment interviews, where necessary testing of communication skills in English could not be carried out
properly unless English was the working medium. If no notice is given, the person should be offered the choice of -

making their point in English
giving written views in Irish.
making an appointment for a meeting when an interpreter is present.

If a meeting is arranged, double-check beforehand that the interpreter is available. Never promise a service on which you cannot deliver.

Ulster-Scots
In the spirit of the Charter PBNI as with other departments and associated bodies are encouraged to make provision for Ulster-Scots interviews and meetings. However at present it is not normally possible to facilitate face-to-face meetings in the Ulster-Scots language due to difficulty in ensuring appropriate quality assurance for interpreters. Further advice can be sought through the NICS Central Translation Service, telephone Linguistic Operations Branch (028 9025 8979).

Telephone Calls
If a caller begins the conversation in Irish or Ulster-Scots the officer may respond in Irish/Ulster-Scots (if they speak it) or English. If the officer does not speak Irish/Ulster-Scots they should explain this and offer alternatives for dealing with the call. The following form of words may be helpful:

“I am sorry I cannot answer you in Irish/Ulster-Scots. But I can offer you the
following options for dealing with your call. You may:

continue the call in English
write to us in Irish/Ulster-Scots
transfer you to our voice mail where you can leave a message in Irish/Ulster-Scots.

To contact the voice mail for Irish phone – 028 90258971. The Charter only requires acceptance of oral requests and applications in Irish. There is no obligation to respond in Irish but Irish-speaking staff may do so. Once the message is left, Linguistic Operations Branch translate the request and refer it to the relevant organisation for response.

To contact the voice mail for Ulster-Scots phone – 028 9025 8924. Whilst the Charter does not require acceptance of oral applications in Ulster-Scots, this offers the opportunity to encourage and promote the language in line with Part II of the Charter. Once the message is left, Linguistic Operations Branch translate
the request and refer it to the relevant organisation for response.

Procedures for use of Irish/Ulster-Scots language voicemails
If a caller contacts PBNI Headquarters or an individual office indicating that they wish to conduct their business in Irish/Ulster-Scots, the staff member receiving the call must divert or direct the caller to the appropriate voice mail (as listed above and on page 3).

The voicemail is monitored by officials in Linguistic Operations Branch, Department of Culture, Arts and Leisure. Messages received will be translated immediately or forwarded to an interpreter for translation.
Translated enquiries will be forwarded to the appropriate department / official for action.

MESSAGE ON VOICE MAIL FACILITY (IN THE APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE)
“Welcome to the Northern Ireland Civil Service. If you would like to leave a message with us someone will come back to you as soon as possible. You can leave your message after the tone. To handle your call we need you to give us the following information:

Your name
Your address
Your daytime telephone number
The name of the person you would like to contact, if you know it
The name of the department you would like to contact, if you know it.
The nature of your business

We will try to get back to you as soon as possible but if your business is very urgent you are advised to contact the particular department directly in English.

Correspondence
The Charter obliges departments to accept written correspondence in Irish and, although the Charter does not oblige departments to accept written correspondence in Ulster-Scots, it would be in the spirit of the Charter to do so. If it seems that, taking translation into account, it will not be possible to provide a substantive reply by the relevant deadline, an acknowledgement should be issued in the normal way, explaining that the letter is being translated and that a substantive reply will follow. A positive gesture might be to issue at least the
acknowledgment in Irish/Ulster-Scots using the attached drafts (pages 7 – 9 below).

The Charter does not oblige departments to acknowledge or reply in Irish to correspondence received in Irish, but staff are encouraged to do so, using the Central Translation Service where necessary. English translations of the original letter and response should be filed. For the avoidance of doubt staff issuing
responses in Irish who have no Irish themselves may wish to sign the English translation of a response and attach a copy to the unsigned Irish version.

Addresses
The Local Government (Miscellaneous Provisions) (Northern Ireland) Order 1995 provides that a District Council may place a version of a street name in another language alongside the English name. For up to date information on non-English street names adopted by District Councils go to: http://www.osni.gov.uk/paper/dual_lang.html
or contact the Ordnance Survey (info@pointer-ni.gov.uk). When a person has used a lawful Irish/Ulster-Scots language street name staff should use the Irish/Ulster-Scots form in replying to correspondence or while processing applications. Both Irish/Ulster-Scots and English versions should be noted on the official record.
Where third parties may be involved i.e. where a document may need to be scrutinised (e.g. driving licence) or publicised (e.g. planning application) the English form of the street address should be shown as well as the Irish/UlsterScots version. There are no restrictions on using Irish/Ulster-Scots versions of other parts of an address e.g. townland, town, county, country.

When contact is being initiated, it would be in keeping with the spirit of the Charter to use both versions initially, and then continue using whichever language was used in the reply. Departments and associated bodies are encouraged to use both versions in their documents and publications.

Enquiries and Monitoring
Enquiries about this Guidance and further advice on requests to do business (oral or written) in Irish/Ulster-Scots should be addressed to the [Equality Manager], 80/90 North Street, BELFAST BT1 1LD telephone number 028 90262400 or Fax No: 028 90262436; Textphone: 028 90262410.

Sample letters

Probation Board Headed Paper and address details.
(Name)
(Address)
(Address)
(Address)
(Date)

Dear
Thank you for your letter to …………… dated ………… .
The matter is being dealt with and a reply will issue in due course.
Yours sincerely
(NAME)
(Position/job title)

Probation Board Headed Paper and address details
(Name)
(Address)
(Address)
(Address)
(Date)
A , a chara,
Go raibh maith agat as do litir chuig ………dár dáta……………….
Táthar ag plé leis an ábhar agus eiseofar freagra in am agus i dtráth.
Is mise le meas
(NAME)
(insert position/job title)

Probation Board headed paper and address details
(Name)
(Address)
(Address)
(Address)
(Date)
........... , guid freen,
Monie thenks fur yer lettèr tae ................................. o tha date ...........................
Tha mettèrs noo in haun an ye shud hae an answer afore owre lang.
Wi an aefauld hairt,
(NAME)
(insert position/job title)

The new SDLP leader Alasdair McDonnell

2011-11-06T18:56:00.000+01:00

Lurgan Mail Highlights

2011-11-05T20:17:00.000+01:00

Portadown people cannot be trusted

I don't often get the chance to go back to the oul country, but last week I hitched a ride in an overpriced Aer Lingus cattle truck and spent a relaxing few days in Lurgan, otherwise known as the Monte Carlo of Northern Ireland. To know Lurgan is to love it but sadly very few non-Lurganites ever visit the place because of the closeness of the dreaded Portadown which, as everyone knows, is an evil-smelling open prison of a place.
Anyway, during my stay in lovely Lurgan I bought a copy of the local newspaper and tonight for your delight and delectation, I am reproducing some of the more interesting stories I saw there. At one pound and 5 pence it certainly represents value for money. Enjoy your reading, I hope that you will be better informed about lovely Lurgan now and will move there as soon as possible!

Fun town Lurgan
As the story below shows, Lurgan isn't free of laughs and fun. Moreover, the journalists at the Lurgan Mail certainly know how to raise a titter. Come to Lurgan and have a great old time, that´s the message!

Creative Lurgan
Even the most mundane story can be turned into a Dickensian masterpiece of prose by the Lurgan Mail. In the hands of simple folk such as myself the following piece of news would have read "Car crash in Union Street, nobody hurt" - but the Lurgan Mail folk managed to turn it into this epic:

Come and visit Lurgan's safe streets, where accidents are so rare that even a minor one is considered newsworthy!

Crime and Punishment
Read the following stories carefully, for they contain important lessons for any of you who might want to expose yourselves in Lurgan!

The lessons to be learned:
1. Lurgan PSNI men are obviously cruising the streets late at night looking for this kind of thing.
2. If you bare your arse in Lurgan, you get fined more than when you show everyone your cock.
3. Drinking a lot and raising funds for bands might be useful mitigating pleas for reducing fines.

Come and visit Lurgan - a town which does not tolerate perverts!

Lurgan is health-conscious - go there and spend your money!

Santa loves Lurgan more than anywhere else in Ulster
Yes, Lurgan is clearly the best place in the world, do your shopping there all the time, please!

Christmas number one

2011-10-26T21:24:00.003+02:00

Every year when we feel like it, the Bavarian Orange hosts a big charity beer drinking evening in the run up to Christmas (click here for an example). We plan to do the same this year, but to be perfectly honest I'm fed up with giving all the dozens of Euros we raise to people who probably don't deserve it as much as I do. That's why this year's bash will be in aid of me. "Wilhelm in need" will hopefully raise enough money to allow me to retire to some sunny clime and live out my remaining years in pampered luxury. "Prodsy the Bear" will as usual be our wee mascot.

But to make sure we (I) get enough cash together, I'm planning to get some celebs together to record a charity single. I imagine "charidee whores" such as Bono and Bob Geldoff will jump at the chance to look like compassionate gobshites, but hopefully Willie McCrea will also agree to take part to give the whole thing a bit of credibility. The song lyrics are below, its a reworking of an old Beach Boys song you might know but my version will have a contemporary flute band and Lambeg feel to it. There will of course be a groovy dance remix for the night clubs. If you happen to see this great single it in the shops, please buy it and ensure that we are the Christmas number one 2011 and that I'll be drinking cocktails on a beach for the rest of my lovely life.

Ballymoney Girls
by Wilhelm Luther, Brian Wilson and Mike Love

Well Strangford girls are hip
I really dig those styles they wear
And the Lurgan girls with the way they talk
They knock me out when I'm down there

Fermanagh farmers' daughters really make you feel alright
And the Newry girls with the way they kiss
They keep their boyfriends warm at night

I wish they all could be Ballymoney
I wish they all could be Ballymoney
I wish they all could be Ballymoney girls

The north coast has no sunshine
And the girls all get fake tanned
I dig their welly boots and their pink shell suits
And their unkempt, birds nest hair

I been all around this great big world
And I seen all kinds of girls
Yeah, but I couldn't wait to get back to the "toon"
Back to the cutest girls in the world

I wish they all could be Ballymoney
I wish they all could be Ballymoney
I wish they all could be Ballymoney girls

I wish they all could be Ballymoney
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
I wish they all could be Ballymoney
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
I wish they all could be Ballymoney
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)
I wish they all could be Ballymoney
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I dig the)

Other towns or areas which could just as easily have been used are listed below. If you can think of any others, let me know and I will reconsider - especially if a more fitting change would result in more money being made:
Limavady, Donaghcloney, Carrickfergus, Ballycastle, Castlewellan, Altnagelvin, Londonderry, Portaferry, Eniskillen, Ballywalter, Ballyhannon, Ballysillan.

By the way, the video might look something like this:

Halloween greetings cards & videos.

2011-10-25T21:10:00.000+02:00

You know, if it weren't for all the money that this megablog brings in, I really don't think I could be arsed with it. I hope you enjoy the keek more than I did....

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Halloween Masks

2011-10-23T10:16:00.000+02:00

I really get fed up with kids knocking on the door at Halloween. This whole "trick or treat" was unheard of in my day and we would never have dreamed of running the streets begging. No, we were content to sit at home on October 31st sweating blood, trying to make make some kind of lantern out of a bloody turnip. Ah, the lovely smells of burning candle and charring turnip.... With these "pumpkin" things, modern kids have it too easy if you ask me.
Well, I have come up with a solution to the whole trick or treat pestilence. As soon as the wee bastards come a-knocking on my door I'm going to put one of the following horror masks and scare the shite out of them. My general tactic will be to shout something like "come and sit on my knee" as I chase them down the street- hopefully there will be no police around to hear it. Maybe I should think of something else to gulder.....
Anyway, after that, they'll never come back again. The masks are in A4 format, so if you feel like following my lead, just print them out and join in the revenge-laced fun!

Martin McGuinness appeals to gay voters (a bit rude, this one)

2011-10-22T17:41:00.000+02:00

Marty's Presidential hopes yet again...

2011-10-20T22:33:00.001+02:00

It struck me the other night that Marty looks remarkably like none other than the late, lamented George W. Bush. They have a great deal in common I suppose, neither were responsible for starting wars, neither have civilian blood on their hands and both are exactly the kind of folk that respectable people would want to be stuck in a lift with.

Separated at birth? I think so. But then again it's a personal thing and maybe I was just away with the fairies when the thought came to me. Whatever. Here's another wee poster for the election campaign, probably the last:

The Willie McCrea DUP Hymn Book

2011-10-19T20:53:00.000+02:00

Willie McCrea has (fictionally) just released a new album in time for the Xmas rush. This new CD will be the perfect gift for all music lovers and its thematic variety is such that it may even appeal to dirge lovers, such as Smiths fans or folks who don't like Blues, C&W or The Stones - in short, it's a cert to please one and all so go out and buy it as soon as it appears in the shops!

Here's a wee run down of some of the tracks and a few excerpts of the lyrics on offer!

The Valedictory
Kumbayah, you sinners, kumbayah.
You'll rot in hell, you sinners, kumbayah.
We'll be in heaven laughing, sinners, kumbayah.
Screw you, kumbayah.

The Tithing Hymn
(to the tune of "To be a pilgrim")
Let him who would valiant be,
'gainst all disaster
Vote for the DUP,
or be a bastard
He needs no encouragement,
to go to the Gospel tent
His first avowed attempt,
to tithe till he's broke.

The Failure Hymn
Amazing Jeff, how sweet the man,
who saved the DUP
He once was thin but now is round,
was blind but now can see the pigs's arse he has made of what at best would have been a very mediocre parochial political career.

The Love Hymn
Iris loves me, yes I know,
her SMS just told me so.
Teenage ones to her belong,
they are weak but she is strong.

Yes Iris loves me,
Yes Iris loves me,
Yes Iris loves me,
She's bought me a nice wee shop

The Food Hymn
All pies bright and beautiful,
all pastries big and small,
all sweets sticky and fattening,
Sammy Wilson ate them all.

And in addition to the above, this amazing new CD contains more DUP favourites such as:

Once in Royal Lurgan City
The Lord Bannside's my shepherd
What a friend we have in Robbo
Amazing Dodds
Onward Free-P soldiers
Jim Allister's old, rugged and cross
Abide with Junior
We've got the whole Province by the balls.

So get out to the shops now and make Willie McCrea a very happy old man!

Oliver Letwin

2011-10-15T08:39:00.001+02:00

Marty McGuiness Election posters and various other Marty-related keek

2011-10-09T17:09:00.001+02:00

Halloween Competition

2011-10-06T21:32:00.000+02:00

Surely this is the bestest competitionest Ulster-centric blog based in Bavaria, for here is yet another fantastic competition!!

But first - some bad news. Nigel won our last effort and although I sent him the prize a couple of weeks ago the bloody thing hasn't arrived with him yet. Not to fear because I have two more of said prizes (pictured right, minus the beer) to give away. I'll attempt to send Nigel another one next week if his hasn't arrived by then and the last freebie-rucksack shall be the prize for this competition.

Rules

The rules are simple. I have mixed the heads (minus eyes, noses & mouths) of Ulster politicians and one prominent non-Ulsterman with the eyes, noses and mouths of other Ulster politicians (minus rest of the head). Your task is to identify who the head belongs to and who the rest of the facial features belong to. Here's an example:

Here, the head of Martina Anderson has been melded with the facial features of Iris Robinson to yield an ecumenical fox. You need to name both elements correctly to get a point. Got that? Good.

Below are the competition pics, so get guessing. The competition closes at midnight on the 31st October (this year) and the results will be announced shortly afterwards. Leave your entries in the comments section. The winner will be the person who gets the most right and you can enter more than once if you feel like copying somebody else´s answers. In case of a draw, the person who submitted their answers earliest is the winner. Its another very easy competition this time, so I expect to see a high proportion of correct answers. But if the answers are particularly poor, I might give a few wee clues, but don't bank on it. By the way, as an extra tie-breaker thingy, here's an anagram which rearranges into a truthful five word sentence:

"A canvas voiced dick"

Good luck!

A new currency for Northern Ireland

2011-10-03T19:19:00.001+02:00

A Statement by Sir Samwise Wilson MLA MP Bt.

Right there, bout yis? Big Sammy here with some class news. I'll cut the crap and get straight to the point because I have to work out how to work the VCR timer before I go to the Lodge meeting. You see, I've got a wild dose of the horn these days and there's a promising looking French film coming on Channel 4 later and to tell you the truth I'm hoping that a diddy or two makes an appearance, if ye know what I mean! Bit of the old freeze frame and slow-mo, eh?

But to get back to the point. The south has got the Euro, for the time being. The English have the same money as us but sometimes they don't take our fivers and yet we are expected to take theirs. This fucks me off so much that I sometimes think I should tell Westminster not to send the Province millions in subsidies every year unless it send us the cash in Ulster Bank notes.

Anyway, for the good of Ulster and the general prestige of our wee country, I have decided to mint a new currency called the Norn Iron Quid. We'll all end up richer because of it, not doubt. Here's a few samples, by the way, sorry if I get a wee bit angry here, but I have been pressured into selecting certain people to be on the notes and coins, so I hope you'll forgive the odd rant.

The 1p coin

John O' fuckin' Dowd. Did ye ever? The thick bastard got a GCSE in cooking oven chips from the Newry Catering College and somehow or other he ended up Education Minister. And to add insult to injury, the moron is now Deputy-Deputy First Minister!!! In his defence, people say that he was never in the IRAand is thus untainted by a violent background. My fat arse! The only reason he was never in the the IRA is because they were scared what the daft ballix would do if he had a gun in his hands. Friendly fire from a thick mate is no way to die, no matter how ideologically driven he is. Not that he can even spell "ideologurty". But having said that, he's now the Deputy-Deputy first Minister, so I had to have his inbred gob on a coin. Fuck it.

The 2p Coin

Another Shinner. Caral Ni Cotine or whatever her fucking name is. Here, do these Shinners spell their names funny just to be awkward bastards? Its almost as if they are sayin "hey, look at me, I have a perfectly ordinary name but I'm going to spell it in a completely unphonetic manner just to be a cunt". Her real name's Carol Smith by all accounts. Anyway, she's the culture minister, would ye believe. Culture my hole, if i hear the word culture one more time I swear I'll reach for my revolver. Nellie McCauseland never shut his bake about fucking ballet and Ulster Scots opera when he had the job, so at least he made the effort. This cow just speaks like the backstreet tramp that she is and calls people "gobshites" on her computer. That's hardly what ye'd expect from a Minister, now, is it? The whore.

5p Coin

Fuckin' Marty. Ulster's latest Hare fuckin' Krishna convert. It's hard enough havin' to listen to the likes of Gusty Spence and David Ervine without Marty talkin' shite about his so-called regrets over innocent people's deaths as well. I'd like to know how these bastards define the word "innocent". Here's the bloody coin:

10p Coin

The Alliance Party. What a bunch of annoying inadequates. I went to a dinner party given by an Alliance party member a while ago, it was the worst night of my life. The food was bland, the conversation was bland and the background music consisted of Chris Rea and The Smiths CDs with a wee bit of Simon and Garfunkel thrown in. And yet these dullards are in power. A lot of things sicken my pish, but the Alliance are the worst cause of sick pish.

One Quid Coin

What to say about Peter? A brave Protestant crusader who invades a one horse Monaghan town with a closed police station. He bravely avoided Dundalk, Drogheda, Dublin and many other places where he could really have made a mark, but no. He chose some wee peaceful cow town so that he wouldn't get his bollocks knocked in, the fairy. Roll forward twenty years and he's a fucking man of peace! Load of oul shite if you ask me, he's been a useless paghill from the year dot. He's never had a decent haircut worth talking about, he wore tinted glassed and fannied about in stupid beret hats while somebody else was fannying about with his wife. Catch a fucking grip Peter and resign. Let somebody younger and better looking than ye called Sammy take over!

Two Quid Coin

I will not deign to comment further on this except to say she's not all she's cracked up to be.

Five Quid Coin

This is my personal favourite, I think it has a regal air to it, its the kind of thing anyone would be glad to have jangling around their pocket. By the way, on the other side of the coins, there'll be a big picture of the Queen marching down the Garvaghy Road on her way to Lurgan for a wee drink.

The Notes

I can't be arsed anymore I think my rant has run dry. I'll leave ye to it now because I've just noticed there are no kleenex left in the house. All the best and take care,

Sammy

Junior the Jinx Rides Again (not literally)

2011-09-30T20:48:00.002+02:00

I really shouldn't have bothered with this one.

Reaction to Jim Allister being banned from speaking at Stormont

2011-09-29T15:03:00.003+02:00

Rihanna in Belfast

2011-09-28T15:05:00.001+02:00

The DUP and Rhianna

2011-09-27T18:08:00.001+02:00

Original article and much better pictures here

Thanks to "Anonymous" for the idea. Couldn't think of the best caption, so here's another lame attempt:

Gusty Spence and other news

2011-09-26T18:37:00.005+02:00

AD or CE?
News has filtered out that the BBC wants to "ban" use of the acronyms "AD" and "BC" because they might offend non-Christians. But no matter what you call the things, throughout the civilized west time is measured relative to the year in which Christ was supposed to have been born.
Well I have a modest proposal which will solve all of these concerns. Under my new scheme, we are now in the year 321 ABB (After the Battle of the Boyne) and Jesus was born in 1690 BBB (Before the Battle of the Boyne). Neat eh? Who could object to that?
I'll have to write a wee letter to the BBC about it.

Gusty Spence's right hand man
One of Northern Ireland's better known terrorists is dead. I know it's not the done to say bad things about the dead, even convicted killers such as Gusty, so I'll just think bad stuff about him instead. For the time being.
The picture below shows shows Gusty in his days of power and gory (sorry, I meant "glory"). Amazing that a grown man would want to dress like that, even in the 1970's, isn't it? Anyway, beside him are two of his leading UVF officers neither of whom, has been identified.........until now.

The one on Gusty's right looked strangely familiar to me yesterday and after having slept on it I'm even more convinced that Gusty Spence's right hand man was none other than..........Martin McGuinness!

I know there's not a lot to go on, but from what I can see of the masked gentleman's eyes and mouth it is obviously Martin alright. What a political journey this man has been on! All the time he was both a UVF and an IRA gunman and yet he never shot anyone! Amazing.

Hissy Fits

Lovely

Sinn Fein's Mary Lou McLovely (pictured) has been talking in the past few days about how the Free State's establishment is having a bit of an unfair and unseemly hissy fit about Marty's run for the presidency. She's quite right of course.
For the first few decades of its existence, Eire was governed by former gunmen, so why the reticence about Marty? Subsequent years threw up the likes of Haughey and Biffo, characters hardly more attractive than Mr McGuinness. Lastly of course is the fact that Dublin welcomed Marty's appointment as Deputy First Minister.
The south's establishment thus seems to be saying that what's good enough for Ulster is not good enough for the south. You'd have thought that the people who bankrupted the Republic would have had a bit more humility....

Foreign flibberty jibbert
Rhianna, the sexy, singing prostitute visited Ulster yesterday and wiggled around a field for the cameras........why am I bothering with this when actual events are beyond parody? See link below:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-15072380

Martin McGuinness answers his critics

2011-09-25T13:24:00.000+02:00

Another newspaper article by Marty, Ireland's next President.

Lies and lying liars who lie
by Marty

It's a well known fact that Gay Byrne and my other opponents are all gobshites (© Caral Ni Chuilin) and that in any normal country they would have been packed off to a concentration camp years ago. Unfortunately, however, some stupid people take Gay seriously and as a result I am now forced to respond to a bunch of lies and pissy allegations. Here goes.

I am respectable and so are my motives

I suppose I first became solidly middle class when I was appointed Deputy First Minister and thus a member of the establishment's elite ruling class. Of course, for many years before that I'd been a member of the "Mother of Parliaments", but even then I'd only felt myself upper working class to lower middle class, for whilst Westminster's pay and perks were reasonable for a man of my needs (if not my talents), I was acutely aware that a momentary indiscretion or a change in the winds of fortune might result in election defeat and send me back to live among the dregs of Londonderry. Happily, providence wanted me for better things.

Nowadays I don't have to concern myself with the trivialities of mere money because by skill and deft maneuvering, I have managed to build up a considerable fortune which makes me completely unreliant on any political salary that might slip from my grasp. Therefore, voters of Ireland, you can rest assured that I am not running for the Presidency just for the money, I am in it for the glory, the adulation, the flattery and the chance to meet important people such as Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and assorted Big Brother contestants.

I am moral
That disgusting pervert David Norris is a gay man whereas I was only a gunman.

I am a changed man
"The past is a foreign country". This isn't just some trite, banal and meaningless cliche that journalists spill forth in moments of cerebral incontinence, it is a fact. Twenty years ago I was the USSR, then John Hume gave me a visa of sorts and I became peace-loving Switzerland. Now of course, I'm more like Imperial Rome at the height of its powers (but without the orgies). And when I'm finally Irish President, I'll be transmuted into a kind of holy Vatican City (also without the orgies).

My relationship with the IRA

Silvio Berlusconi once said that Mussolini never killed anyone and you could say the the same about the IRA. But like poor old Benito, the 'RA that I was a member of was libeled and smeared by gobshites (© Caral Ni Chuilin). The reality of the situation is that in the early 70's the IRA was a culture club and we really didn't want to hurt anyone. Members met in pubs, drank sherry, recited poetry and discussed the latest trends in moustaches and Reactolite glasses.
But on 30th December 1974, we were suddenly and massively infiltrated by extremists who wanted war with the Brits. Because of this, I left the IRA on the very next day and on 1st January 1975 the "troubles" began. I am a man of peace, nobody in the history of the world has been as peacemakery as I have.

My relationship with MI5
If I were a liar, I would deny the allegations that I was an MI5 tout. But I am not a liar, so I will deny these allegations.

There, well I think that convincingly addresses all of the the bones of contention.
Now listen to me you enemy gobshites (© Caral Ni Chuilin), this is the last word on the subject and if any of you are at all critical of me ever again, I'll make sure you'll spend the rest of your days praying on your back in church. Why? Well because ye won't have any fucking knees, that's why.

Martin McGuinness on the EU and the Euro

2011-09-22T18:11:00.002+02:00

The EU: Ireland's Bane

by Marty

I am really enjoying the election campaign so far and I am really really looking forward to being President, but there is one fly in the ointment - the EU. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of bigoted, sectarian, xenophobic little-Irelander - I love going to France and Spain for my holidays and I love pizza and garlic. But as a free-born Irishman and future Irish President, it sticks in my craw that we are constantly being told what to do by Brussels! Why should we have laws pushed on us by unelected continental Gauleiters? and why should we be dictated to by a bunch of pen-pushing dagos, wops, spicks, limeys, krauts, kikes, frogs, cabbage-chomping polacks, north Brits, east Brits, south Brits, west Brits and dirty, north west Ulster Protestant Brits? why, for God's sake? sure, they are all a bunch of gobshites, as Carál Ní Chuilín would say.

From the day I'm elected, Ireland will no longer bend the knee to these dirty foreigners and I promise you that once Germany has bailed us out, I will get us out of the EU.

The Euro

Filthy, filthy, filthy!

One thing I will do immediately, though, is get us out of the Euro and bring back the good old Punt. Sure it was a grand, lovely, strong old currency beloved by by all. The Euro, in contrast is an abomination and a filthy, pornographic thing at that. Look at the picture on the right, doesn't Scandinavia look like a set of male genitals? Disgusting! I don't want to be gliding my fingers over a metallic cocks every time I pay for something! I don't want to have a few little penises jangling around in my pocket, rubbing against my groin as I go about my business and I certainly don't want my wife touching anyone's cock but mine! Worse still Scandinavia is Protestant, so all those one and two Euro coins you have in your trousers and in your purses right now depict heretic trouser snakes. And they really expect Nuns to touch these things?
So vote for me and the Euro will be a thing of the past! And to make up for us Irish having to handle all of these disgusting Protestant Phalluses over the years, I'll ensure that all new Punt notes and coins will have pictures of nice Catholic tits on them. And not just any tits, but perfect specimens, the types that could only be described as "really titty tits"!

Vote for me, you know it makes sense!